


Flipside: Aftereffects

by nan00k



Series: Flipside [2]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-25
Updated: 2012-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-30 03:17:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nan00k/pseuds/nan00k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, after the wedding, an ex-Transformers fan tries to accept that she has a Decepticon as a cousin-in-law. That's trickier than it sounds, especially when his world comes crashing down onto hers. Politics, espionage, and existentialism, oh my! (AU 2007. Parody. Sequel to Flipside.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back to this insanely stupid and ridiculous story of mine! I have attempted to tackle the overused plot of "lol-fan-meets-Transformers" but with a twist—namely, where everyone's a moron and the dangers are very, very real. AKA I added realism. Whodathunk? In any case, if you have not read the first story, Flipside, I recommend you do so before reading Aftereffects. 'Cause you're not going to have a clue about what the heck is going on now.
> 
> In this new, rousing adventure: Becky realizes that just because she and Barricade are now semi-allies, that doesn't mean the rest of the world isn't going to rain on their parade. Namely, they both realize that no, they are not alone on earth, and YES, the Autobots are very much still out and kicking aft. Unfortunately for the would-be fan and her new cousin-in-law, the Autobots' world and their world are about to collide. Actions have consequences, and after the choices Becky and Barricade made in the last story, a series of aftereffects are well overdue…
> 
> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

 

* * *

" _Normal?_ You _? What are you, joking?"_

* * *

 

My name is Becky and my cousin-in-law is a Decepticon.

…No, seriously, it's all fucked up as hell, but believe me when I tell you that everything I'm saying now is truer than I ever wanted to believe.

A year ago, my cousin Emily announced she was getting married. That same night, I encountered that fiancé—a Mr. Barry Cade, who was apparently a cop. The moment I laid eyes on him, I realized, with some amount of horror, that this was no human. It was Barricade, the Decepticon warrior who just-so-happened to be a fictional character in the _Transformers_ franchise I was obsessed over.

We didn't hit it off well. More like we hit each other. But after a quick one-sided battle, both Barricade and I came to the conclusion that I was either psychic—because I knew everything about him and his fellow Transformers (or at least as much as the fandom had let me know)—or the world of _Transformers_ and the world I knew as reality had somehow meshed. Like I said, fucked up.

It was not an easy three months. Barricade was _literally_ marrying my cousin. I couldn't believe it. I would have sworn that he was trying to trick her, or use her, or have some twisted plot in store for her and our family.

But, as much as the logic in me said it was wrong, I had to give in to the facts: Barricade was in love with Emily. They were getting married. And I was the only fucking person in the entire universe who seemed to recall anything to do with the _Transformers_ cartoon and movie. It just wasn't fair.

Some other cool shit went down too; Starscream practically crashed the wedding, but Barricade chose to confront him instead of letting my family get nuked, which was awfully nice of him. I, being a dumbass, decided to tag along and I nearly got squashed myself at the hands of the Decepticon aerial commander, but my quick thinking got me out of it…sorta. The dude now thought I was some kind of Decepticon groupie, but I doubted that I would ever hear from him again.

Oh, was I _wrong_.

A year after all of this happened, Barricade and Emily were happily married and I was still alone with my knowledge of what happened. I made up an online message board in hopes of someone, anyone, out there would respond, to reassure me that I wasn't crazy or some random oracle. But no one said a word.

I didn't know what else to do, but try to make sense of my new life as the only _Transformers_ nerd left on Earth, plus being the occasional Human Behavior Tutor™ for Barricade, and just move on. I was a senior in high school, and even though my plans for the future were shaky, I was almost getting used to my somewhat normal life again.

That is, however, until about September 2009. That's when life yet again decided to flip my world upside down.

**00000**

Stomping up the cement stairs of the back staircase, I had half the mind to drop the two large cardboard boxes I was holding and just walk the ten blocks back to my neighborhood. The only thing that stopped me was that I really didn't want to walk those ten blocks home and that if I did drop all of that stuff, I doubted I could outrun its owner, who was scowling at me from the top landing.

"Do I look like a pack mule to you? A maid? An illegal immigrant?" I snapped. I paused. "Aw, shit, that was racist, wasn't it?"

The man holding the fire door open at the top of the stairs with his foot, two boxes of his own in his arms, glared. "Yes. Yes, it was," he said, deadpan. He couldn't take the elevator because he was fat (or more like, his combined body mass was almost half that of his true robot form; so no elevators. Okay, so he wasn't fat, sue me.)

I scowled and fumed inwardly. "Goddamn it, I refuse to look worse than you," I said, dodging past him. "Then again, all I have to do is look at _your_ performance record for the last twenty thousand years, and you'd make Hitler look like a saint."

Barricade sneered nastily as we made our way down the cramped apartment building hallway. "And _you_ make space debris seem like Iacon-level physicists," he snapped irritably.

How I got wrapped up in helping Barricade move some of his stuff from a storage locker he had been renting ever since he got his organic body, I had no idea. Emily was at work and had been pestering Barricade for months to finish moving in. They had been living at their current apartment for about eight months. It wasn't a bad place, really, and was actually pretty close to where the majority of my family lived.

The bad part about that is that when Emily finally got Barricade to get the job done, he decided to make it easier for himself by hiring some cheap child labor. AKA me.

"Why the hell do you have so much crap if you spend half your time as a giant car?" I complained, dumping the boxes I was carrying onto their living floor. Most of it was clothes; apparently the first thing Emily forced the Decepticon-in-human-form to get was a shit ton of clothes.

Barricade put his load of boxes down with more grace and shoved them out of the way. "Blame my overly humanizing wife," he snapped.

I snorted. "Dude, you sound so weird saying 'wife.'"

"What else would I call her?" Barricade demanded, scowling again.

"Bondmate?" I suggested, leering. Barricade's scowl increase and I barely ducked one of the throw pillows from the couch go flying toward my head. "HEY!"

Barricade ignored me and walked to the kitchen. "We're done for now," he said, disappearing behind the wall. I sighed heavily and walked over to the couch.

I didn't mind 'hanging out' with Barricade, to be perfectly honest. He wasn't homicidal and my relation to Emily pretty much assured me a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card if I ever did piss him off too much. And we had plenty to talk about, considering we were still trying to unravel the mystery as to why I alone knew about him, the Transformers and the whole shebang. Our newest theory was that the All Spark transmitted knowledge over to me and made me hallucinate stuff. My personal favorite was that God was trolling me for skipping on going to church.

Barricade reappeared at the kitchen entry and seemed to be considering something. I frowned back at him, silently asking, 'What?'

"…Do you want a drink?" he finally asked, awkwardly.

I blinked. "…Has Emily been teaching you manners again?" The first time Barricade offered to hold a door open for me at the mall, I thought he was trying to trick me into some sort of prank.

Shoulders tense, Barricade glowered unhappily. "You have an abnormal amount of etiquette laws," he snapped, halfway embarrassed and awkward. "Do you want a fragging drink or not?"

Biting back a laugh, I nodded. "Sure. Thank you."

He disappeared into the kitchen and I heard him rummaging around in the fridge. I glanced around the living room and saw the immaculate cleanliness Emily Garvin was known for. Next to their TV, I saw plenty of photographs lined up. I grimaced at the one family portrait was had taken when I was twelve; Goddamn, I was _so_ not photogenic.

I almost didn't hear Barricade walk back in. He held two bottles in his hands and extended the one to me. It was _almost_ in a non-threatening way too, which was an improvement.

However, before I could say thanks, I gawked at the bottle in alarm.

"Don't give me a _beer_ , you moron!" I exclaimed, pointing accusing at him and then back at the kitchen. "I'm not even eighteen! It's against the _law_! Don't you have soda?"

Snarling, Barricade turned on his heel and stomped back into the kitchen. "Primus, there are too many laws!" I heard him shout.

I dropped my head into my hands, sighing heavily. There were so many basic things Barricade still had to learn and some not-so-basic. It was almost like we had to all learn as we went when it came to how much he knew of human behavior and society. It could be fun and even hilarious, but I guess that's why we met at each other's homes rather than in public; it was easier to cover for mistakes in private.

In about a minute, Barricade came back into the room, a beer for himself and a can of cola for me. He held the soda out, glaring, as if daring me to bitch about something else.

I accept the soda, frowning back at him as he sat down on the opposing couch. " _Christ_. Thank you," I muttered, opening the can.

Barricade sneered, opening his own drink with a low pop. "Hmph." He took a long swig and pointedly ignored me.

Man, I thought _I_ had been awkward, but 'Cade really did take the cake when it came to social alienation. I was pretty sure he only really spoke to Emily and me on a somewhat frequent basis.

A long silence threatened to take hold over the room, so I acted quickly. "So…" I began, placing my soda on the side table, "anything you need to talk about?"

I had my suspicions of why Barricade insisted I help him that Saturday. While we were far from the awkward enemies we had been a year ago, we weren't like best friends either. Our relationship was as awkward as it possibly could have been between an evil alien invader and the only human left who knew of his true identity.

…But that wasn't totally accurate. I knew Barricade wasn't evil, at least, not anymore. He was really trying to settle into this life he was making on earth, sometimes collecting data if only to save our lives whenever Starscream came calling for him. He honestly loved Emily, my cousin, and seemed intent on building relationships with other humans. I suppose that was one reason he would call me every once in a while. Not because we particularly liked each other (he's a fucking asshole, believe me you), but I was one of the few people he had left that he could actually talk to about things he couldn't even tell Emily.

Like how he was an evil alien invader. Yeah. Good thing I was the Decepticon-Whisperer.

Barricade wasn't looking at me, seemingly content to glare daggers into the wall behind the blank TV. I waited, relaxing on the other couch, prepared for the rant I knew was boiling just beneath his scary human exterior.

"So, how's work?" I tried to say, being casual.

I was not expecting the sudden glare or the angry snap, "Frag you."

"What the hell, man?" I asked, angry now too. "I'm just curious. And concerned."

"There is no reason for concern," he shot back, very defensive. "You are being nosy."

The defensiveness keyed me into the fact that something was bothering him. I had learned to avoid being nosy when he pointed it out, so I was willing to drop it. However, much to my surprise, it didn't end there.

"Emily is talking of buying a house," Barricade suddenly said.

He looked right at me, as if I should know exactly what he meant. I paused, pursing my lips.

"Um. Okay?"

Barricade scowled, clearly upset over something in the subtext that I couldn't pick up on my own. "That's a huge aspect of a partnership like this. It's an investment, both physical and emotional," he said, glaring at me as though it were all my fault that he didn't like commitment apparently. "It's a part of… being human."

"Some people don't own their own homes," I countered, frowning.

"Emily wants one, though," Barricade replied. He returned to glaring at the wall. "Her logic is sound, mostly. A permanent dwelling might not allow for any quick getaway, but for the long run, it is a decent choice to make for the future."

I carefully hid a smile. The way he spoke, it was difficult to tell sometimes if he viewed his relationship with Emily and humanity as a burden or a challenge he desperately wanted to succeed at. I knew it was the latter after so many months of watching him grasp for some kind of hold in this human world. When he wanted to do something and he didn't know how to handle it, that's where I came in: a bitching wall, so to speak, and sometimes, an advisor.

"Then, what's bothering you?" I asked, gaining his attention again. To myself, I was amused how his unflinching glare didn't really bother me anymore.

Barricade did not look happy in the least. "I don't want a house that we buy like any other item in a store isle. I want to give Emily something to cherish specifically between the two of us."

"…You want… a custom home?" I ventured, hesitating. His vagueness was very difficult for me to translate sometimes.

Luckily, I seemed to understand him this time. Barricade nodded. "I want a home that was built for _us_ ," he said with emphasis. "Me and Emily specifically. I want her to know it is hers, rather than just a pre-owned dwelling."

Grinning, I propped my feet on the coffee table. "Sounds awesome, 'Cade, it does. I think she'd love it," I said. Emily would probably think it was the sweetest thing in the universe. She already thought Barricade was just a Neutral in the Autobot-Decepticon war, and if anything else, a complete angel. Even if I told her the truth, she'd never believe me.

But… Barricade did not relax. He was staring at me intently, waiting for another response. I raised an eyebrow at him, not seeing a further problem.

"I want it to be a surprise," he said, irritable that I couldn't read his fucking mind or something.

"How the hell do you surprise someone with a _house_?" I exclaimed, unable to not laugh.

Barricade snarled and took a swig of his beer. "I'll organize it without her knowing and then bring her to the finished lot," he growled, looking away.

Pausing, I nodded after thinking about it. "That's actually a pretty cute idea." I laughed when he glared at my choice of words. "Seriously, though, go for it. I think she'd really, really love it."

Barricade scowled and looked away. I sighed, knowing not to push it further. Whether the plan would actually work or he would just drop it… I knew he really wanted to impress Emily. That was pretty awesome, considering everything in context. I would let him mull it over and if he wanted more advice, I'd be there.

To my utter surprise, it did not take long for him to do that. "…Do you want to go with me tomorrow to look at land plots?" he asked after only a few minutes. He almost muttered it.

"…Seriously?" I asked, eyes huge. Not only was the unexpectedness of it shocking, but the mere fact he was asking me to come along, probably to offer advice, on what he thought was an important decision.

Then again, he didn't have friends. I was the closest thing to that he had so… yeah, okay, it made sense.

"Would I joke about this?" he demanded, glaring afresh.

I snorted. "You never joke period, man… but… sure." I smiled, knowing it would just be easier to not tease him for once. "I'd love to."

Barricade visibly relaxed. "Good," he snapped, looking annoyed again, but I think it was directed at himself. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

Whoa. The Great and Perfect Barricade admitting to a _fault_? I had to hold myself back from commenting on that. Instead, I laughed awkwardly at myself as I realized _I_ had no idea what to do either.

"I… _kinda_ do? I watch HGTV a lot. Does that count?" I asked meekly.

"How should I know?" Barricade asked, scowling.

From weddings to escaping Decepticons to building a house. My life was as epic as they came, apparently. "Well, it'll be an adventure," I said, grinning.

Little did I know how much that statement would prove to be true…

 

* * *

**End Chapter 1.** __

_Next, our heroes meet their new neighbors. Oh,_ hey _, violence! Where have you been?_

_  
_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Becky makes five new acquaintances and none of them like Barricade. Can you guess who they are yet? And actual violence! Hi, violence! :D And yes, they live in Idaho. I don't. I apologize if I offend any Idaho residents with my lack of Idaho-state-knowledge. (Because come on, no one ever writes stories about Idaho! I wanted to be different…)
> 
> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

 

* * *

 " _You're about as good at making friends as you were with passing Chemistry. You failed Chemistry, didn't you?"_

* * *

 

When Barricade said he wanted a house for him and Emily to share, and share alone, I misunderstood his idea of what "alone" meant. Instead of looking up advertisements for custom homes for sale or even lots of land in the newspaper or online like a sane person would, Barricade decided to have a more "hands-on" approach.

Like miniature road trip kind of approach.

"I have a paper due tomorrow in English class," I complained as I walked out my front door. Luckily, my sister was asleep and all my mother knew was that I was "going out with friends." She did not like Barricade, much to my delight, but ever since we made up all that fake website and brochure stuff, our alibi for knowing each other had been pretty tight. She still didn't like him, so I kept his name out of the equation.

The hologram Barricade had been using fizzled out of existence as I approached his vehicle-form in my driveway. I did NOT want to be seen in a cop car, but luckily the lights and decals were optional anyway. He drove a normal cop car for his job at the local police squad (that must have been so awkward to do), so all I had to "pretend to drive" was a fancy black Mustang. It was a nice form, but I didn't exactly have a driver's license. He didn't like using holograms for too long, however; we switched it up to be fair, so today I was my "fake driving day." Ugh.

"Too fragging bad," Barricade snapped back, irritable. I was proud of myself for not thinking it weird, for even a second, that it was a car that just bitched at me. The driver's side door popped open and I reluctantly climbed in. "You agreed to come."

"Yeah, for a quick Sunday browse through the housing ads in the newspaper!" I cried, exasperated. I barely had the door closed before he was pulling out of the driveway, engine roaring. I grimaced; my Mormon neighbors were going to tell my parents I had a boyfriend with a crazy car or something.

"I want to see this in person," Barricade said shortly, leaving no room for debate in his voice. I kept my hands on the wheel, glaring out into the horizon as the car drove itself to God knew where. "You fragging humans trust everything you see in a picture."

" _Oh, for Christ_ —forget it!" I snapped. I resigned myself to a waste Sunday and let him drive me off into the wilderness. For all I knew, he could have been driving me out to the forest to use me for target practice. Part of me wondered why I was so compliant with that fate. "Fine. Let's go. Lead the way, Lassie."

Barricade didn't seem to want to fight that day, so tense silence reigned. I tried to get him to at least play the radio, but he turned that off. Asshole.

It turns out that Mr. Grumpy Grill actually didn't just plan on driving around aimlessly through Boise to find a plot of land for sale that he liked. On his passenger side seat, I found a bunch of flyers and Internet print outs detailing local, but rural areas that were up for sale. My irritation fading as I got wrapped up in looking through the listings, the two of us traveled in silence towards what I had thought had been part of the state park, but some of the land was privately owned.

"You're going to get land near the park?" I asked as he turned off toward the park after nearly half and hour of driving in silence.

Barricade still sounded grumpy. "Yeah. More privacy." True, that.

We made our way onto a rather barren and unoccupied path. "I hope you can get the permits to build a house there," I said, frowning.

Growling, the mech replied, "I did my research." _Touchy_.

"…How much money are we looking at spending?" I asked, distracted as I perused through the ads. All of them were between fifty and a hundred grand, and that was just the bare land. Yikes. The view had to be amazing, though.

"'We'?" Barricade repeated, sarcasm practically dripping through his speakers. He had a gift of projecting that image.

I scowled at the dashboard of the car. "Oh, shut up, you know what I mean," I snapped. "I mean, cops don't make that much money, or at least that's what I thought."

"I've made preparations," he replied stiffly. I had the sinking feeling if he had a face then, he'd be looking out the window, attempting to be innocent.

Barricade was anything but innocent, however, and I frowned at the dashboard of the Decepticon. "…You didn't cheat the stock market, did you?" I asked. Alien robots _were_ pretty smart…

It wasn't too surprising that Barricade made no reply. I sighed heavily, realizing what had happened. The fandom had told me theories that the mechs could hack into something like the stock market, predicting enough far into the future or even altering data, to make a decent profit.

Sneaky bastard.

The ethical side of me couldn't help but shake my head disapprovingly at the suspiciously silent Decepticon. "What the fuck, dude," I said in chastisement. I paused, considering. "Can you set up an IRA account for me?"

Surprisingly, Barricade was less impressed with my disapproval and more confused over something else. "How do you know what I'm planning on doing so much?" he demanded as we turned onto yet another blank dirt road. I was beginning to realize maybe my state really did have too many dirt roads.

"You're as subtle as a brick, 'Cade," I replied, rolling my eyes. I glanced out at the trees we were passing, resting my head on my hand. "Besides, I'm the _oracle_ , remember?" I added cheekily, poking fun at his name he had given me when we first met. Seriously? _That_ was his first theory? Silly robots.

"Hah!" he laughed harshly. That was actually the most pleasant the guy got. I felt special. "The universe's foremost mistake."

I grinned, falling into the banter with great ease. "You're just jealous."

We had discussed this a million times, and even if it never went anywhere constructive, it felt better to talk about it than just dwell on the fact that neither of us knew how I knew so much about Transformers when the rest of the world did not. I was the last of my breed, the last of the Transformers fans. Barricade just thought I was insane, and/or an Oracle. Sharing theories was a great past time of ours, and driving around in the mountains of Idaho looking for a plot of land to buy seemed like a decent time to have another one of those conversations.

"…It's completely implausible to think two universes, one fictionalized in the other, would have somehow merged," Barricade was saying. He sounded just as mean as he did normally, but I could tell he was enjoying trying to get to the bottom of the mystery. I was more interested in finding some sanity, personally.

"Yeah, well, it's not anymore impossible than me being some _space oracle_." I froze and started to laugh. "Maybe I'm the _chosen_ one!" I gasped, mockingly clutching my hands together. He snorted and I continued, dramatically. "I get to save the world! Well, Sam saved it first, but I get to do it the second time! I have the key! In my brain!"

"Your brain will only be the key to Being Stupid," Barricade said, a dark smirk in his voice.

I laughed, used to his snark. "Yeah, well, when I end up being the _Harry Potter_ of the Land of Giant Robots, we'll see who's—!"

Without any warning at all, Barricade made a horrendously tight right turn. I slammed into his side door with a startled scream. My mind exploded into _pain_ and flashing colors; I could feel Barricade's engine roar with unexpected fury and power. We tore down that new dirt road like we had the Devil himself chasing us. I was a bit preoccupied with finding out why the Decepticon had just let me get a concussion.

"OW! GODDAMN IT, 'CADE!" I yelled, grabbing my head. " _Christ_! That _hurt_! What the hell are you doing?"

He didn't answer. I saw the speedometer reach well over a hundred, and suddenly, I felt cold. Were we fleeing Starscream? Was the jet flying overhead? Was it something—someone—else? I turned and felt the blood drain out of my face when I realized we were being followed—but by a line of cars.

I never got the chance to identify the vehicles, because as we broke over a hill, surrounding by a pretty green field, the seatbelt holding me to the seat suddenly slid away. I gasped, trying to grab a hold of it—but it was then Barricade decided to promptly swirl his body around and _hurl me out of the fucking car._

Granted, he had slowed down substantially by the time he made that curving turn, so when I hit the ground, I rolled in a way that didn't break anything. But it still fucking hurt. My head was killing me and I couldn't stand up, even though my adrenaline was pumping at an all-time high. I barely had enough time to get to my feet when I saw Barricade transform—and face the black Topkick truck who came flying up the hill—

It was only when that truck began to grow its own limbs and head did I realize that _yes_ , we were completely and utterly _fucked_.

The second Transformer—belatedly I recognized him as an Autobot—didn't hesitate and neither did 'Cade, but before Barricade could even summon his weapons in defense, the other Transformer fire a volley of shots from his arm-canon. The sound was tremendous and I could only try to duck to the ground when Barricade went tumbling past me. They were both roaring in their alien language. Barricade tried to get up, swinging his swirling mace, but his opponent fire again.

"Barricade!" I shrieked. I screamed again when I heard the crashing of metal and gears crunching. Barricade went down hard onto the ground, sending two stray trees tumbling over.

Ignoring common sense and my own safety, I tore past a giant foot of the Autobot and toward the fallen Decepticon. All I was thinking was _oh my god Emily is going to kill me oh shit is he dead?,_ or something along those lines. I was just halfway there when I realized that my heart wasn't the only loud noise in my ear. I heard footsteps—heavy footsteps. Like, right over me.

I came to a slow stop yards away from Barricade—who was still moving, thank God—and I reluctantly looked up. I saw a strangely familiar black mech standing over me. I wasn't concerned about who it was, though; I was diverting my attentions to the _obnoxiously large plasma canon_ that swirled a few dozen feet above my head. Without thinking, another bloodcurdling scream ripped from my throat. It startled the mech, who just then realized I was standing beneath him.

I fell backwards gracelessly onto my rear, my heart pounding painfully against my ribcage. I knew it was an Autobot, and I knew they wouldn't purposely hurt me, but I was too scared to think straight. It was a giant robot with a huge weapon on its arm pointed at me, and the only protection I had was currently lying twenty feet behind me, barely moving.

"Ironhide!" called out a commanding voice. "What was that?"

The mech over me stopped and looked back. I was hyperventilating now.

"There's a human here," Ironhide called back. He was talking about me, apparently.

More figures came up behind Ironhide. I knew who they were immediately. Bumblebee, Ratchet, Jazz— _wait, wasn't he dead?_ —and the big guy himself, Optimus Prime. Optimus looked rather surprised when his optics fell on me, and I stared back fearfully.

"Move it out of the way," Ratchet bellowed. The rest of them were focused on the Decepticon behind him, who by the sound of it, was getting up. "Barricade's moving!"

Ironhide swirled around and looked back down at me. I yelped at the new attention, trying to shrink away. Then, with his canon-less hand, he reached down.

So, I did what any sensible female teenager would do.

I screamed _bloody murder_.

Still screaming, I launched myself backwards, twirling around in mid air to face the other way and kicked off of the ground on wobbly feet. I caught Barricade's eyes, or optics, and set my goal to him. If I reached him, and if he could still transform, we could get the hell out of here. I didn't care if the Autobots were saints from heaven; I felt safer with a mech I already knew wouldn't squish me, even by accident.

It was a fool's goal, to be honest. I was barely two yards farther when a giant hand swooped down over me. My scream caught in my throat when four metal fingers wrapped themselves around my entire body, minus my head, and lifted upwards. It was like one of those horrible amusement park rides that I was terrified of—up real fast into the air without warning, and then stop suddenly. This "ride" stopped in the same manner. The hand stopped its upward momentum after nearly a second. I stared down at the ground, which was suddenly very far away, too terrified to make a sound.

"Give it here," Ratchet said. _Give what? Give_ _ **me**_ _?_ Then, without warning, the medic shouted, "Ironhide, to your left!"

I looked up just in time to see a black and white form lunge at Ironhide. The hand that held me was flung to the side and the canon arm was brought up—but too late. Barricade slammed into the weapons specialist, and for a moment, all I felt was a horrible jarring sensation that rattled my entire body down to the bones.

"PUT HER DOWN!" roared the Decepticon. He pummeled the Autobot viciously with his clawed fists as we hit the ground in a terrible heap.

Ironhide hit and kicked back with equal ferocity, even with just one hand. "BACK OFF, DECEPTI-SCUM!" he bellowed.

"I'M NOT A HAMSTER! I'M NOT A HAMSTER!" I screeched over and over. I felt sick and disorientated because of the wild movements. I also felt like I was going to die. I could hear metal crunching and creaking overhead. I was about to become an organic mess in the hand of a metal man from space.

Then, like an angel from above, came a thundering voice, " _IRONHIDE_! PUT THE HUMAN DOWN!"

Then, came four more noises. I recognized them as weapons whirling. I looked up when Ironhide's hand finally stopped shaking me like a rag doll. Jazz, Optimus, Ratchet and Bumblebee were all pointing their weapons at the two mechs and me. I stared back like a deer in headlights, too frightened to move or speak. Barricade had stopped at the sight of the guns, and Ironhide stopped when the Decepticon stopped, both pointing their weapons at each other motionlessly. For a horrible moment of awkward silence, we lay like some absurd dog pile in the middle of an Idaho forest.

"Move, and we'll shoot," Optimus warned Barricade.

Barricade sneered, but did not move. I glanced over at him, wary. He looked positively terrifying, in his battlemode-like state, with smeared energon over his faceplates and chassis. But it was still Barricade. After putting up with him for a year already, I would have much rather be in his clutches than the trigger-happy member of the Autobot clan.

"Put the human down now, Ironhide," Optimus continued. Ironhide nodded slowly, still pinned by the Decepticon on top of him. Barricade didn't make a move as Ironhide complied, but he watched the whole thing like a hawk.

I felt the hand lower and bile rose to my throat. My head was pounding like a war drum on remix. When my feet touched the ground, it took all my will power not to let my body crumble into a heap in the dirt. I stood, shaking like a leaf in front of the Autobot leader. I looked up at him and he stared back.

"You're safe to move," he said carefully. "It is safe behind us."

I stared back dumbly.

"We mean you no harm," he added.

 _Yeah, right_ , I thought sarcastically. I nodded slowly in real life. "I know," I said, my voice cracking.

Ratchet, to my left, nodded his head towards the hill. "If you could get out of the way," he started to say.

"I can't move," I said. My teeth chattered painfully, adding to my headache. "If I tried, I'd fall over."

Optimus seemed to understand. He motioned at Bumblebee. "Help get her over to the hill," he ordered.

Bumblebee nodded and moved closer towards me, hand reaching. I flinched back in fear. _Oh no, I am not gonna get picked up like that again…!_

Behind us, I heard Barricade hiss.

"Touch her, and I'll kill this old fragger right here and now!" he growled. His fingers were poised dangerously over Ironhide's chest, and from what I could tell, over his spark chamber.

The Autobots froze. I turned slowly, my eyes wide. Barricade kept his optics trained on Optimus, ignoring me.

"'Cade," I began, my voice wavering. If I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop. I forced myself to stay calm, as much as that meant. I was still shaking.

He said nothing, but flinched slightly when I spoke. At least he wasn't totally ignoring me.

Our brief familiarity must have totally bewildered the Autobots. I heard Optimus' headgears whirling even from my spot on the ground. He was probably trying to think of a reason why I'd even know the Decepticon's name.

"Human," he finally said, "if you are able to, please move away, for your own safety."

I didn't.

"Human," Ratchet began, but I cut him off.

"No!" I shouted. I wavered on my feet, ignoring the mechs' shocked looks. I must have looked half deranged. "And have you blast the shit out of Barricade? Hell no! Back off, and he'll back off! We'll go away, and you don't have to follow us!"

"Rebecca, shut up," Barricade snapped.

"No! _You_ shut up, tin head!" I screeched. I spun around wildly, ignoring my pounding head, and my unsteady feet. My fear turned into anger with great ease, as always. " _JESUS CHRIST!_ You scared the hell out of me! Don't just randomly _flip_ me out of a car and start a freakin' _battle_ with a bunch of robots, you asshole! Do you have any idea how _bad_ this is for my heart? I'm gonna die of a freakin' heart attack by the age of eighteen thanks to you! _You're fucking insane_!"

My tirade earned Barricade's full attention finally. His red optics narrowed into a glare.

"Don't you pin this on me, brat!" he growled.

"Oh, I _am_ ," I shouted back. I motioned wildly with my hands. "It's just a short trip, you said! It's right off the road, you said! No one'll see you transform! It'll be completely safe!" I gave a bitter laugh. "No, just a bunch of Autobots will beat the shit out of you, throw me around like a rag doll, and put us both at the end of a bunch of plasma canons!"

"Would you kindly _shut up_?" Barricade demanded loudly.

"NO!"

"You're making this worse than it is!"

"This _can't_ get any worse, moron!"

"Yes, it can, if you don't shut the slag up! Stop screaming!"

"I'LL SCREAM ALL I WANT TO, DAMN IT!"

Barricade's clawed hand that was poised over Ironhide's chest flexed sporadically, clearly demonstrating the rage he was suppressing quite skillfully. "At least get the slag behind me!" he ordered angrily.

"FINE!" I screeched. I was sick of arguing, my head hurt, and I wanted to go hide under my bedcovers for the next day and half. Picking up my shredded dignity, I started around the two mechs in a wobbly march. I was scowling darkly, pissed off beyond words. How dare he order me around like that! It was his fault we found ourselves in this mess. Him and his stupid—

A large foot came down in front of me, stopping me easily. I froze and looked up. The smallest of the assembled robots, and the only chrome colored one, looked down at me quizzically. I gulped. I was only halfway around Barricade and Ironhide.

"Where d'you think yer goin'?" asked Jazz, a mixture of confusion and distrust in his voice.

I stared back.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" I asked suddenly.

Barricade let out a hiss. "Idiot," he muttered.

As soon as I said it, I clapped my hands around my mouth. _Oh shit!_ Jazz flinched backwards, shocked.

"Dead?" he echoed. He paused, probably to quickly reference the term. "You mean, offline?"

"Uh, I didn't mean to say that," I offered quickly. I laughed nervously. "I mean, uh, I don't even _know_ you, so, um…"

"Rebecca?" Barricade asked suddenly, his gravely voice sounding strange in the midst of us.

"Yeah?" I answered, glancing over at him.

"Just. Shut. Up."

My mouth twisted into a scowl again, but I complied for once. I looked up again, knowing well enough that what I said could mean life or death, at least for Barricade. As I looked up nervously at Jazz, and then at the other Autobots, I was hit with inspiration: I was just the organic, backwater creature. I was innocent. They had no reason not to distrust me.

An evil smirk appeared in my mind as a wicked idea occurred to me.

"OH!" I began with gusto, clasping my hands together up against my chest, " _thank_ you, Autobots!"

I literally heard Barricade's optics widen in shock. I suppressed a gleeful smile. He could kill me after I saved his aft. This was too great a moment to pass up.

"You saved me from that horrible _monster_!" I continued, trying to look pitiful as I looked up at Jazz. I had no idea if I succeeded, but the confusion on Jazz's faceplates seemed to dissipate slightly.

"Uh, you're welcome," Jazz said, dropping his offensive stature slightly. He even gave me a small smile. "You okay, now, kid?"

"I'm alright now," I said, smiling brightly. I dropped my hands and bounced a little on my feet. The nausea increased when I did that, but I was aiming to look as innocent as possible. "You guys are my heroes!"

To my left, Barricade slowly turned his head, obviously staring at me with either incredulous optics, or just staring. I couldn't see, but I had a feeling he knew what I was doing. It was our only hope.

"Human, do you have any idea how lucky you are to be alive right now?" Ratchet asked, annoyed.

"Oh, I can imagine," I said, glancing at him nervously. I laughed, rubbing the back of my neck absently. "I really owe you guys. Seriously."

"What are you even doin' with a Decepticon?" Jazz asked, suspicious now.

 _Uh,thinkfast!_ "I was minding my own business, and out of no where, this cop comes up and says to get in his car," I rambled, smiling nervously. Oh, man, I was so bad at lying. "And you're supposed to follow what a cop says, so I got in, and um…yeah, here I am." I paused. "But you're here now, so I'm safe!"

I stopped, waiting for a response. I was praying for some sort of agreement, that yes, I was safe, and I could go home. As soon as they let their guards down with me distracting them, Barricade could make his escape, and I could just pretend he was a bad guy, and go home on my own. It would work.

Then, Ratchet's headgears turned suddenly. I looked up at him, wary. His eyes were dulled strangely. Then, I saw a faint wave of green light wash over me, like some sort of laser. It didn't hurt and I couldn't really feel anything. I stood there, uncertain of what he was doing. I tried to think of the movie. A light like that meant some sort of scanner—my thoughts stopped there, fear suddenly seizing my brain.

 _Oh, my god_ , I thought, a chill sweeping through my mind and freezing my limbs. _Ratchet can scan my bodily functions. He can tell if I'm lying_.

_OH SHIT._

Although he didn't have a chance to say anything yet, I knew my initial plan was blown to smithereens, so I decided to go to Plan B before I was promptly stepped on. Of course, I had no Plan B. I _was_ the Bullshit Queen, however, at least at that moment in my life.

"OH MY GOD," I exclaimed with exaggerated surprise as I whipped around, my arm swinging out in a pointing gesture. I aimed at the opposing line of trees above Ironhide's head, where none of them were facing. "IS THAT STARSCREAM? !"

Unbeknownst to any mech there, it had been a lifelong goal of mine to actually use that joke successfully. In that moment, however, I found no humor in it, even when all five Autobots looked towards the woods where my finger was pointing. I was already running by the time that I heard Barricade move. Whether it was the fact we were so in tuned with each other's thoughts already, or my plan was just that obvious, he knew what I had meant to do. In a fury of metal, he kicked Ironhide off of him and dodged to the side. By the time I was completely around Jazz and off into the field, Barricade was already transforming.

Whipping up from behind me in the grass, all I saw was a black mustang come tearing by, turn around a few yards ahead and its passenger side door swing open. I was already exhausted, but I willed my body to move faster. _I can reach it. Just move faster. Move, move, move, move—!_

Behind me, I heard a whirling noise. It took me about a second, and I was no expert at mech noises yet, but I knew just as well that that sound was the sound of weapons charging. I screamed, my throat already torn raw from the earlier abuse, and I flew forward. Just as I did, two missiles and a plasma bomb were thrown overhead.

" _JESUS CHRIST_!" I shouted. I rolled over, and saw Ironhide was up, and he and Jazz were charging towards me.

"GET IN!" roared Barricade. I looked up in surprise. He had moved farther away, but was coming back towards me. His side was smoldering. He had been hit, again, by the first wave of missiles. I gulped down my own fears.

If he stuck around, he'd get killed. I knew he was tough, but there was no way he'd survive an attack by _five_ Autobots against one Decepticon. I weighed my options, and while in that short second of thinking I know I didn't think it through properly, I came to the conclusion that there was only one way we'd both get out alive.

I rolled onto my knees, ignoring another canon discharge. The missile hit the solid earth right in front of Barricade, causing him to halt temporarily. I started to get up, hoping that he would listen to me.

"GET OUT OF HERE, DUMBASS!" I shouted. I waved viciously with my arms. "GO!"

Barricade's engine roared in reply, but he had no chance to get out any real answer. Both Autobots had stopped, but were firing wildly at the 'con. I hit the ground, but I kept my eyes on Barricade, who was doing his best to avoid getting hit. He was failing.

"GO!" I shouted again. I sent the Mustang a meaningful look that promptly translated into, 'get the fuck out of here, I'll catch up later, and don't you dare tell Emily.'

A plasma missile exploded right in front of Barricade's right wheel. I winced as the dirt flew up toward me. I didn't really catch if the Mustang said anything, but when I looked up again, he was turning around. Then, with a burst of speed, he shot away from the Autobots and me.

 _Sonnovabitch!_ I couldn't help but grin triumphantly. _He finally listened to me! Finally!_

"He's getting away!" Ironhide bellowed.

"I'll get him," Bumblebee—or I think it was Bumblebee; his creepy British voice was kind of obvious—offered.

"No," ordered Optimus. My ears were ringing from the canon fire, but his eloquent words were clear as day to me. I heard all of them walking across the grass; they were coming closer. "It's not worth the effort. We have to conserve our energy as it is."

"Prime, he's th'last 'con on Earth!" Jazz exclaimed.

"Exactly why we have little to fear from him," Ratchet replied. "Barricade is a coward. He won't risk his life without backup."

Anger pulsed through my body when I heard the medic's words. Coward? _Barricade_? He wasn't a coward! He was anything but a coward!

With a grunt, I pushed myself up from the grass, the scent of pollen and grass sticking to my face. I checked down my arms and legs; I hadn't been hurt, but I'm sure I would feel all the scraps and bruises tomorrow morning. I looked down the path where Barricade had escaped down. He was long gone, hidden by the trees. _Thank god._

Then, I remembered I was still on the ground. I shakily stood and tried to fight back the nausea that returned. At least the fight was over, I reminded myself. I wouldn't have to worry about getting killed now…

I stopped as I noticed I was completely encompassed by a large shadow. Lifting my head slowly, I gazed up at the sky, which was currently being blocked by five gigantic heads with blue, glowing optics. Spent of energy and lacking any motivation to attempt to run away, I grinned lazily.

"Hi?" I offered.

Unsurprisingly, none of them looked very amused.

 

* * *

**End Chapter 2.**

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Becky experiences a whole new reason for a headache, and realizes only then that she has absolutely no idea what she's doing (but we already knew this). Yay for paradoxes! And for reference, in Becky's world, they never made a second movie yet by the time the "flip" happened, so she has no knowledge of NEST or whatever else happened in the second film.
> 
> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

 

* * *

" _Oh, fuck this shit, it's getting awkward."_

* * *

**  
**

It was probably the best and yet most awkward car ride of my life. It was worse than when Barricade and Emily took my wedding clothes shopping a year ago. No, this was… infinitely worse and better all at the same time.

They plunked me in Bumblebee, which was the obvious choice. The human soldiers that had been with them, all part of a special group of military and Autobot alliance, I was told ( _ohshitoshitohSHIT_ ), had no room for me. I had no qualms about Bumblebee, really. It would have been more awful if I had been in Ironhide, who was swearing up a storm, claiming I was a "Decepticon informant" and should be "treated like a Con for safety's sake" but Optimus and Ratchet were not convinced of this. I just kinda went wherever they told me to go. I was exhausted, dirty, and on the verge of a mental break down, so I just went.

The best parts of all of it? I was chilling inside Bumblebee. _BUMBLE_ - _BEE_. Autobot scout, yellow sports car, one of the first _Transformers_ characters I ever really liked. He was pretty cool.

The bad part? Well, the entire rest of the situation, really. Bumblebee wasn't talking to me, Sam wasn't there, everyone pretty much thought I was a Pretender ( _did they even have that in "this" canon?_ ) and I was most likely going to jail and/or be shot on sight once we got to wherever we were headed.

My mother was going to _MURDER ME_. But that wasn't too important at the time, so I tried to focus on the talking robot cars.

The ride was silent, at least inside the car (God knows what they were talking about internally or between each other), so I had plenty of time to think about what exactly was going on and what I could do about it. It wasn't like I was going to be getting out of this without a clear explanation to give them. They had my name and address, so I couldn't just hope to outrun them. So… pretty much I was fucked. Sighing heavily, I slouched in my seat. Yeah. I didn't have a lot of ideas.

We drove far into the afternoon, through back roads and streets I wasn't familiar with, so I was completely lost. It was almost six, the sun setting over the horizon, and I was very tempted to try to sleep. My nerves were still on fire, however, so all I could do was stare out of Bumblebee's windows, pleading with whatever deity was listening to just take me away from where I was.

I had gotten to the Buddha when Bumblebee suddenly spoke up. "Are you alright, human?" he asked. I jumped in surprise at the sudden voice. He had that creepy, weird-ass British voice that didn't fit him at _all_. Ew.

Coughing in an attempt to cover my nervousness, I smiled hesitant at the dash. Be polite… "Yeah. I'm good. Could use an aspirin if you have it," I replied. My head was killing me.

"I'm afraid not," the radio said. He did have the kindness to sound at least a little sympathetic.

I shrugged, knowing it had been a long shot. "Oh. Thanks anyway." What a conversation…

Bumblebee was silent for another few seconds before he, trying to casual, asked, "…You know Barricade, then?"

 _Smooth._ I glanced at the dash, sarcasm suddenly bubbling out from my fear. "Nice segue from polite care to interrogation, Bumblebee," I commented dryly. "Sam been teaching you subtly?"

Better things could have been said, I realized belatedly. Bumblebee physically jerked to the side, tires screeching. I froze, knowing I had overstepped my boundaries.

"How do you know that name? !" the Autobot scout demanded, not quite angry, but he was suspicious.

Honestly, I could have blamed Barricade. I probably should have, actually, but part of me was still incredibly worried for the moment Barricade and the Autobots had to meet again. I hoped it wasn't going to be too soon, but I didn't want them to hate him even more than they already did. I had no idea how I was going to get out of this, so I wasn't looking forward to bailing him out, too.

I really, really wished there was a "Fan Girl's Guidebook to Dealing With Fictional Realities Come to Life," but I supposed there's not much of a market for that.

"…It's… complicated," I said, lamely. I shifted uneasily in the seat, knowing he was staring me down fiercely. I smiled nervously again.

"Barricade, then," Bumblebee said shortly, unimpressed.

"No!" I sputtered. Stopping, I dropped my head into my hands, frustrated. " _Jesus_ … it's really, really complicated. Believe me. Barricade isn't even the reason why I know your name, okay? Like he tells me anything anyway…"

"Then how?" he asked, getting pushy. I scowled.

"If I explain myself, I want to be in front of everyone important, okay?" I said, crossing my arms against my chest. At least they weren't using the seatbelt like a restraining device; getting out of an alien-as-a-car didn't really seem that plausible. "I don't want to have to say this twice."

Which was true. Very, very true. If I had to tell the truth, about me knowing about them, then I did _NOT_ want to have to repeat myself. The story was too complicated, too bizarre… too scary. I shut my eyes, afraid for the reactions and consequences.

"Say what twice?" Bumblebee asked, suddenly curious.

The fact he wasn't real, that this world wasn't real, that I knew things because I had been a fan of their world before it was, really, even reality. Or so I believed. Who knew the truth? I didn't. Barricade didn't. The Autobots wouldn't either.

There weren't any answers, I realized, outside of our theories. And those were going to be a dozy to explain to my current captors. If they believed me, well, that'd be the first miracle I had experienced in a long time.

"…Everything." I opened my eyes and stared at the dashboard, sighing quietly. "You may as well know it all." I glanced out the window. It was almost completely black outside. "By the way, where are we heading?"

"The NEST base," Bumblebee explained carefully. We turned slowly around a bend in a road. There weren't ANY lights. Creepy. "We will be safe from Decepticon interference there."

AKA, a place where Barricade couldn't find us. Lovely. Something in Bumblebee's explanation caught my attention, however. "NEST…?" I repeated, hesitating. It had to have been an acronym. Various details from the fandom came to mind and I realized what it must have been. "Wait. You mean, the humans and the Autobot's team-up base?"

For a fan of the series, it was a simple deduction, especially for the 2007 series. I mean, the military was definitely going to stay involved with the whole alien thing, so lots of us had speculated that a collaborative team of Autobots and Unite States military would arise from the aftermath of Mission City.

Apparently, for a normal would-be civilian, that shouldn't have been the first thing to come to mind. Bumblebee paused for a tense moment and I realized I had over-spoken again.

 _Oops. Not my fault I'm a freaking oracle_ , I thought darkly.

"…Yes," the yellow Transformer said at length. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I was by far the least intimidating person I knew. Why was I bothering these guys so much? So what, I knew some rather bizarre things about them. That wasn't _that_ creepy!

"Huh." I thought about that information for a moment. If they had teamed up, that could mean there were more Autobots at the base. That was pretty common for most stories I had read. I wondered if the twins were there… "What does NEST stand for?" I asked after a while.

"The Nonbiological Extraterrestrial Species Team," he replied politely, the intensity in his voice dropping out again, thankfully. Maybe I didn't piss him off as much as I thought I had.

My mind went over the name, considering. "…Classy," I said with a heavy sigh. Could have been worse. "I'm sure Mr. Bay couldn't have done better."

I could almost imagine Bumblebee looking over at me in surprise by the sound of his voice. "What?" he asked, bewildered.

With a groan, I sank lower in the seat. "Nothing…"

We drove for about twenty minutes before I realized we were slowing. I could see lights ahead on the outside of what looked like a large silo. The Transformers and military convoy drove right past a checkpoint. I watched the night sky for two seconds before it vanished as we entered the inside of the building.

Here goes nothing, I thought, trying to remain calm. The cars pull up toward the back of the large entrance or whatever we were in. Bumblebee stopped and I sat there for half a second before I realized I had to get out. The door popped open and I tentatively stood, muscles cramped form sitting for so long plus my earlier acrobatics. I had other concerns than a sore body, however.

We were in a warehouse. Or something. I supposed it was the inside of a military base, but it really did look like a warehouse. There was a crane on the one side and the building was made up of sheet metal. It really didn't look too secure, but maybe they were just settling in, or this was a temporary stop. I moved forward, taking in the sights. Bumblebee transformed behind me, making me jump, but he didn't look at me. He walked straight past me toward the one hanger door that seemed to lead further into the complex.

So… yeah.

Behind me, a car pulled up. Turning, I saw with great reluctance that it was Ironhide. I really, really hoped he followed orders well. He was definitely not my biggest fan ever at the moment. _Ffffff._

"Hi," I said. My voice squeaked. I cleared my throat, motioning at the room we were in. "Nice… warehouse. Very cliché."

I probably should have said "classy" but I doubted it would have mattered. None of them were paying me much attention. Ironhide didn't reply, and the human soldiers in the other convoys were busy chatting up in some kind of military lingo. I stood there in front of Ironhide and looked around. I didn't want to move the wrong way; I was pretty sure Ironhide was waiting for some sort of sign so he could run me down. Asshole.

A loud clanging made me flinch. Turning my head upwards, I saw Optimus walking back over to us. I stared at him as he grew bigger… and bigger… and bigger in my line of sight. He stopped a few yards away, staring down at me, mask removed. He didn't have much of a facial expression anyway.

Faintly, I was pretty certain that if there was ever a time I could have woken up from this as a dream, that moment had passed, a long time ago.

"We will wait here until our human allies arrive," Optimus began. Ratchet and Jazz were transformed and walked up behind him. The big mech stared down at me, probably not realizing how utterly terrified I was. "I am afraid this entire situation is quite unorthodox."

Oh, yeah, Autobots were a million times better than the Decepticons. They had manners and _everything_. "Yeah… couldn't have guessed," I muttered, feeling so cold, my teeth chattered.

We stood there for a moment in silence. I bit my lip, at first avoiding looking back up at Optimus, who seemed to be waiting for something, before I gave in. I squinted up at him (he was so tall, he was almost blurry to look at.

"Um, seriously?" I began timidly, my voice ridiculously soft in the midst of the aliens. "This is going to be a little weird, but I have to say… I'm honored to meet you."

That wasn't flattery. That was honesty. I positively adored Optimus Prime and what he stood for, _ESPECIALLY_ after realizing he was a real dude. He was a hero and most likely Earth's only chance at surviving the future war. I had respect for the guy.

Also, he was voiced by Peter Cullen. Yeaaaah.

Optimus paused and looked down at me. "Oh?" he asked, frowning.

I laughed weakly, suddenly incredibly embarrassed. "Um, I, uh," I stuttered. "I know this might, uh, seem a bit late to say, but uh, I'm actually a _really_ big fan of yours."

His weird mech-eyes 'blinked.' "Fan?" he repeated, sounding curious.

I sidestepped the awkward 'you're a fictional character' talk. "Yeah," I replied, nodding. "I mean, you're like a robo-Ghandi. That's so cool." _Apt description_ , I complimented myself.

"I am surprised you know of me, girl," Optimus began, sounding weary all of a sudden. Suspicion rang in his voice.

Wincing, I looked away, nervous. "Yeah, well, um, _obviously_ I'm a little more informed than the average person," I replied, trailing off. I wanted to wait until at least I had a human to talk to. These robots were kind of intimidating.

"What th' frag were ya doin' with a Decepticon anyway?" Jazz suddenly asked, making me look at him out of instinct. He made a frown with his metal lips. "Don't ya know who that guy was?"

I hesitated. "Yeah. I do." _More than you know…_

"Then why did you help him escape? !" Ironhide bellowed. I yelped and jumped away form the car. He didn't transform, thank goodness, but he was so loud! I eyed the car warily, mentally chanting, _Please don't kill me, please don't kill me…!_

Optimus moved, his armor clanging and ringing. "Ironhide…" he said, warningly.

"No!" the black Topkick snapped, irritable. He kept his focus, unfortunately, on me. "He's trying to help to destroy your world. He should be your enemy!"

As if I didn't know that already. I stared at the Autobot, suddenly feeling angered by his accusation. Oh, I knew who my enemies were. I knew how dangerous a situation Earth was in.

Part of me feared I knew that more than the Autobots did.

"I know that!" I replied, defensive. I stood back, but upright. I stumbled over words, overwhelmed yet again. "I… I… This is so messed up."

Optimus leaned down slightly. "He won't be able to harm you here." He sounded so… so… sincere.

"I'm not afraid of him," I said, shaking my head. I gripped my head, gritting my teeth. "I'm afraid of… _you_. And what this… this whole mess means."

It wasn't like I was afraid of the Autobots. I was afraid of what was going to happen next, because I was there with them. This wasn't fair. Whenever I dreamed of this being real, I was always on the good team. I wanted to be on _their_ side, without any strings attached to the other side, the Decepticons. I never wanted to be seen as the bad guy; I wasn't.

It wasn't _fair_.

"We aren't going to harm you," Ratchet said, sounding mildly annoyed.

Frustrated, I just wanted to yell at them. "I know! _Christ_ , I know! I know that and everything else!" I whirled around, grabbing at my head with two hands now. Oh, God, I didn't want to be there. I wanted to go home… "Damn it…!"

"It would be wise that you tell us the truth, whatever it is, girl," I heard Optimus say. He sounded far more in control than I did. He didn't know the secret I had, yet, however. Would he be as calm if he knew… knew the truth? Or what I thought was the truth? What was that, even? "Trying to protect him isn't going to help you."

Wasn't _that_ the understatement of the year? I wasn't trying to protect Barricade, not at the moment. I was trying to figure out a way to get out of this okay for me, too, including my sanity. I groaned mentally, realizing that things really couldn't get any worse than they were.

And then… and then, it got worse.

To the left of Optimus, the hanger door opened. A flood of humans strode in, most in suits, so I suspected I was about to meet some Sector-7 nutjobs. I froze. _Did that mean… no… That would be…_

"I got your message Prime. Where is she?"

I froze at the voice. I knew that voice. I knew it because I had watched a particular move twenty-six times and that voice was just as familiar to me as Optimus' or Barricade's was.

Turning ever-so-slowly, I saw Agent Simmons standing there, hands on his hips, glaring me down as if I had personally affronted him. I stared, part of my mind slowly… slowly … fracturing.

And then, as if God really decided to fuck me over that day, behind him walked out two very, very, very familiar faces. They were not S7. They were not soldiers.

Sam Witwicky and Mikaela Banes stopped in front of Bumblebee and look right at me.

Well.

_WELL._

I stared at the two teenagers, my mouth agog.

"Who are you?" asked Sam, before glancing up at Optimus for some kind of answer, probably more concerned with why a regular civilian was under arrest by the 'Bots.

I had no time to answer him. I was more concerned with the sudden upheaval of time and space itself. " _SHIA LABEOUF_?" I screeched, my brain already backfiring.

Mikaela flinched back slightly, annoyed. "No need to scream, geez," she said, sarcastically rubbing her ear. "Bee, what's going on? I thought you were—"

I fell back into Ironhide's front grill, too weak kneed to stand. _Oh my God_ , I thought. _This is real. I'm in…I'm in the God damned_ movie _!_

"Is she okay?" I heard a voice to the side ask. I turned weakly and I nearly screamed when I saw William Lennox hop down from the military jeep.

"Oh, shit!" I said, flying away from him. I stumbled, barely keeping upright, and I stared at the humans with a wild expression. _This cannot be happening. This can't be real! It's all a dream! This isn't real!_

"Whoa," Lennox said, holding up his hands warily. He looked either concerned or disturbed. "Just…stay calm, kid."

"STAY _CALM_?" I shrieked. I stumbled backwards again, knowing I was heading towards the circle of Autobots. I was anything but calm. "YOU'RE—YOU— _JOSH DUHAMEL_ —!"

I tripped over something, which I guess was a section of the flooring that wasn't finished yet, and I fell back onto my butt. I stared up at the three humans, hyperventilating. They were standing right there, but my mind told me it was impossible. Barricade, I could handle, but that was only have several days of mentally coping. But _now_? I was facing three Hollywood stars who really _weren't_ Hollywood stars. They were…

"Oh my God," I whimpered.

"Is she alright?" Sam— _NO! Shia LaBeouf!_ —asked, looking at Ironhide with concern. "What'd you guys _do_ to her?"

"We didn't do anything!" the Topkick growled. "She's been glitching ever since we picked her up!"

"Who is she?" Mikaela— _nonononono!_ —demanded.

"We only know her name. It is Rebecca," Optimus answered, walking up closer. All of the Autobots closed in. They were eyeing me like I was about to explode or something. "She was acting oddly before, but now I think it is something else."

"Something _else_?" I hissed, whipping around. I glared up at him wildly, my mind too busy frying itself with logic vs. reality to care what I was saying. "Of course there's something else—this whole _THING_ is that _something else_!"

I stood up so swiftly, I saw bright dots flash in front of my eyes. I ignored the lights and focused on the Autobot leader, who seemed surprised at my sudden movement. "I'M LIVING IN A GOD DAMN PARADOX," I screamed, pointing at him angrily, "AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Okay, it wasn't, but he was the only person I thought to blame, because he was right there and it was convenient. The Autobot leader recoiled at my scathing accusation. Everyone kind of did.

"What?" he asked, confused.

" _Oh my GOD_!" I wailed, falling back onto my rear again, this time from building hysteria. I pulled at my hair, my eyes wide and wild. "This cannot be happening!" Saying it out loud helped my nerves a little. "Okay, it's happening! Okay, it's real! But it isn't _right_! Barricade was one thing—but you— _all_ of you!" I let out a frustrated howl and slammed my head into my knees, which I brought up to my chest.

During my tirade, I'm sure I evoked a lot of bewildered and concerned expressions from my audience, but after I mentioned the Decepticon's name, everyone tensed.

"Barricade?" repeated Sam. He sounded wary. "That cop car?"

"YES, _that_ cop car," I snapped loudly, looking up at him sharply. My eyes were burning with frustrated tears I was trying to hold back. Sam flinched back at my angry attention, but I didn't care how frightening I may have looked. I was thoroughly through being scared and I moved right into senseless anger. "Barricade, the Saleen Mustang, the shock trooper, the Decepticon that flung you into the windshield of a parked car underneath an overpass in Tranquility, Nevada— _the same Barricade that just so fucking happens to be my God damn cousin-in-law, so back the fuck off_!"

I inhaled sharply, partly because I was out of breath and also because I realized what I had just said. I looked up at the Autobots, who were processing what I had said carefully. The humans caught it first.

"Did you just say…" Lennox began, hesitantly as if he was unsure of what to say, "… _cousin_ …?"

I stared at him my anger subsiding with sickening quickness. _Oh no…what did I just say?_ I thought, fear creeping back in. Barricade told me to keep things quiet…but he never said not to tell _them_. But what if he didn't want me to? What damage could I do?

Bumblebee, probably under some sort of order from Optimus, quickly ushered Sam and Mikaela away, thankfully, the three of them vanishing into the other building. They probably thought those two were the only problem. Oh, how they were wrong. This whole situation was fucked up.

"Y-yeah," I replied, this time in a normal voice. I was shaking all over from the adrenaline rush. Damn, I wanted some chocolate or something.

Inwardly, I was impressed they had caught that one word out of all my rambling, but as the adrenaline rush subsided, so did my fearlessness. That was not a word I suppose was to be associated with aliens in general, not even the Decepticons.

Oops.

Epps would not let the slip go, apparently, either. "…Are you saying… that a Decepticon _married_ your cousin?" he bit out, as if that were a difficult thing to fathom. I guess it kinda was.

I huffed. "Well, Barricade and Emily are married, yes," I replied, crossing my arms against my chest.

"You mean to tell me he's _legally_ your _cousin-in-law_?" the solider continued. His expression changed from vaguely mocking into disturbed uncertainty rather quickly.

"Do you want me to spell it out for you?" I asked dully, now impatient. "What, you pissed he gets a Green card?" I had wondered about that myself…

Epps turned and gave the Autobots an incredulous look. "Is this chick high or something? !"

"I wish," I deadpanned, covering my face with my hands. "Oh, man, that would be an easier solution. If you really don't believe me, check the damn county marriage license records. Barry Cade. Go for it."

The humans looked at Optimus and the Autobots, waiting. I realized they were expecting the Autobots to actually look it up. I waited quietly, nervous. I hoped that my statement would actually be true; I had no idea if they could look that kind of thing up.

Thankfully, it seemed they could. Optimus' optics flashed for several minutes before he glanced down at us. "…There is a listing," he said. He didn't sound happy to say it, looking down at me with a disapproving frown.

I stared back, irritated over their lack of trust. I mean, sure, I willingly defended a mech they thought was an alien terrorist, but come on! Why would I make up such a ridiculous story if it wasn't true?

"Yeah. They're married. If you can access my Facebook, I can show you the marriage photos," I said. I then paused. _OhmyfuckingGod, could I add Optimus Prime as a friend? !_

"What… this makes no sense!" Ironhide shouted. He looked at Optimus, half-pleading, half-angry. "Prime, this human is glitching out. Barricade wouldn't—we should go after him now!"

Suddenly, the fear of being squished was overwhelmed by the fear of them going after my family. What if Barricade had gone home? Or was somehow with Emily right now? I glared at Ironhide. Oh, there was no way I was going to let them go near my family, at least the ones who didn't know what was going on!

"You go near him or Emily and I'll throw the biggest bitch fit you've ever seen," I yelled. I glared at the weapon's specialist, slowly moving closer. "Human lesson 101, aliens, is that family comes first no matter what, and I don't care if he's Klingon—Barricade is part of my family now and you'd better not mess with him!"

"He's a monster, kid!" snapped Simmons.

I turned, glaring at him as well. "Buddy, I know things about _all_ of these guys that would make your skin crawl," I began menacingly. Time for random information again. "Optimus Prime, the king during the Golden Age, sat opposite of the High Lord Protector Megatron. Prime holds the Creation Matrix. He and Megatron came to power vorns after the Quintessons were defeated. Unicron, Primus—their gods! Cybertron, their planet!"

At that time, I took the moment to inhale. I also took the moment to look around. The humans looked confused, but the Autobots looked damn near speechless. I grinned, despite my anxiety.

"Oh, and how could I forget more _recent_ times, courtesy of our darling Sector Seven?" I asked mockingly. I jerked my head over towards the said group of agents, who were all gawking at me like I had turned into a mech right in front of them. "Ever ask them about _Ghost-1_?"

Simmons' face paled five colors. I laughed bitterly. No one outside of S7 even flinched; they only grew more confused. "Oh, right! You don't know what that is, because they kept it secret. But I bet Optimus knows. Don't you, Prime?" I gave him a dark look. "Why don't you tell them about _Ghost-1_? Dear ol' Commander Walker?"

There was wary confusion on his face before, but now…Optimus dropped his expression to near nothingness as he stared down at me. A horrible silence fell over us. I stared up at him, breathing unsteadily. He looked…as though I were some kind of threat.

"How do you know all of this information?" he asked quietly—not in a calming way either.

I lifted my head high, not willing to submit to this giant's intimating presence. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," I replied coldly. "After all, you don't believe me about Barricade, so why would you believe me about this?"

"Try us," Simmons snapped. "You're in a lot of trouble, kid, regardless. This is _beyond_ classified." Ooh, catch phrase time.

"I know," I muttered, shifting away. Oh, man, my head was killing me.

"Tell us how you know, please. We're all very eager to hear an answer."

"…I… just…" I looked up at the mechs, suddenly feeling desparate. "I don't know how to start. It's so complicated," I said, pleading.

Ratchet frowned, thinking about something. "Did Barricade tell you these things?" he asked, suspicious.

"Barri—no!" I exclaimed. Why did they always assume that—oh, yeah, that was the logical answer. Durr. "He never tells me anything!" I added firmly, which was mostly true. Ironically, I was the one who told him the things I knew, just to see how much of it was true. Sometimes I knew more about things than _he_ did; creepy.

"How long have you known him?" Lennox prompted, crossing his arms, looking incredibly serious.

I sighed. "For a year. About that."

"How did you meet?" Simmons asked, stepping in suddenly. I flinched; he was creepier in real life that I had feared. He did look significantly less intense, however, probably letting the Autobots take charge on some kind of order he had received, but the glare he was giving me told me he was enjoying scaring the shit out of me. Figures.

"From Emily— _look_ ," I began, shaking a hand at him and then the Autobots, trying to cement my following statement as the truth, "he's really, really not the bad guy you think he is!"

Epps made a face. "I'm sure he's all nice and stuff on the inside, sure," he said dryly. Lennox shook his head.

Their doubt was to be expected, I kept telling myself, trying not to get too frustrated. I had no idea how I was going to explain anything rationally. Then, suddenly, I had an idea. "Actually…" I began slowly. I smiled up at Optimus. "You guys have him all wrong."

Optimus gave me his undivided attention at that. "What do you mean?" the giant mech asked, tilting his head in confusion.

"He's not a Decepticon anymore," I said, grinning.

Everyone stopped.

"Not… a Decepticon?" repeated Lennox, as if he wasn't sure he was hearing me right.

I nodded, enthusiastically. "For once, I'm not exaggerating," I said, grinning. "Barricade is _quite_ content where he is, with the humans and all, and he's taken up a job as a real cop."

"Real cop?" Simmons blurted. "How the heck is he doing _that_?"

"Hologram?" Jazz offered, curious.

Well, _THIS_ just opened a huge can of worms. I hesitated. "Um… not… really." I looked up at Ratchet, tentative. "Uh. Do you know who Wheeljack is?" I asked, hoping he would. Otherwise my answer would have no solid ground to stand on, at least with the mechs. The humans wouldn't understand it anyway.

Luckily, the medic seemed to know. "Yes—wait." Ratchet's head snapped down and his optics pinned me still. He looked shocked. "How do _you_ know him?"

 _Oh, I used to read and watch cartoons about him_ , I mockingly answered in my mind. _He's such a nice guy. Is he on his way?_

In reality, I saved the self-incriminating comments and stuck to a more neutral one. "Never met him personally," I began carefully, "but Barricade stole something from his lab once. A device that can condense and alter matter. He can shrink down into human form, like, for real."

Ratchet hesitated. "He… willingly used one of _Wheeljack's_ inventions?" he asked, arching a metal eyebrow.

I wondered if Wheeljack was sneezing somewhere out in the cosmos, if alive. "That's exactly what I asked." I shook my head. "It works flawlessly, apparently. It lets him become human."

The mechs, ironically, were less spazzed out by that revelation than the humans were. "Human!" Epps sputtered. He drew back from me, making an incredulous expression. "Like, _carbon_ -based human?"

Were there any others? I asked mentally. In real life, I grinned. "Right-o, Lieutenant," I replied cheekily. "Barry Cade, if you will. Or Officer Cade if you're really polite. He kinda looks like Daniel Radcliff on steroids."

The few human soldiers there all exchanged wary glances. The mechs just took it in, mildly alarmed, but less shocked. Ah, the wonders of science, I mused. "Holy shit," whispered Lennox, completely shocked, probably echoing the sentiments of the majority of the room.

Almost on cue, Ratchet brought up some more pessimistic doubt. "He is a manipulator and a liar," he began, exchanging grave looks with Optimus and Jazz. "He cannot be trusted just by his words alone, even if all of this is true."

The smile on my face evaporated. "How did I know you were going to say that…" I heaved a heavy sigh, holding pleading hands up. There had to be a way out of this. "Please, I don't know what else I could tell or show you! This is the truth! He's neutral now."

"Why? What has he to gain from it?" Ironhide demanded.

Frustration and fear combated for my attention. "Starscream threatened to kill him recently and he's such a bad leader, so—!" I tried to say, my voice rising in volume and pitch. I hated to sound desparate, but I kind of was. I wasn't lying, however. Too bad they wouldn't know that.

"You know Starscream?" Lennox snapped, alarmed again. I groaned; every time I tried to tell them the truth, I just kept digging myself a bigger hole.

"Let's just assume I know more about this than you do, Captain Lennox," I replied wearily. I didn't want to belittle him, but come on, it was probably true. The Autobots still had secrets that I probably already knew because I memorized the freaking Wiki page on them over a year ago.

The man straightened, irritated suddenly. "It's Commander," he corrected me, frowning.

"Oh!" I smiled sheepishly, embarrassed. At least that was a semi-normal social faux pas. I missed making normal ones. "Well, shit, congrats on the promotion!"

Lennox literally did a double take. " _How the hell_ —okay, _that's_ it," he said, seriousness returning to his face. He pointed at me, demanding. " _Who_ are you?"

 _FFFFF._ Why couldn't I just stop shooting myself in the foot? ! "I can't just say it! You'll never believe me!" I exclaimed. Turning away, I paced two steps and then spun around, grasping at, well, nothing. I had nothing to stand on, not in front of them. "Goddamn it… what do you want? What could I possibly show you to prove that Barricade is neutral?"

"That's only _part_ of the problem, kid," Simmons said, sarcastic. He cast a suspicious glance around at the Autobots in the room, as if this was their fault. "I'm more concerned about the _apparent_ security leak we have here!"

I assumed it was, 'Blame the Giant Robots' day at Sector Seven. Optimus and Ratchet both glared at Simmons, clearly not taking his accusation kindly. I couldn't blame them.

"No one told me anything," I said, interrupting his tangent. Suddenly, it occurred to me that my best chance at having an ally would be among the Autobots. They may have, ah, understood Barricade's situation best. Also, I didn't feel too comfortable letting Simmons in on my own secret yet; Uncle Sam would approach the matter worse than Barricade had, I wagered.

"Then how do you know so much?" Simmons demanded, turning his glare on me.

I drew back. " _I JUST DO_!" I yelled, forgetting any semblance of patience or collectedness. Everything was becoming too much. "I never asked for this! I never goddamn wanted to wind up talking to you, of all people! Okay, once I did, but now I don't want it anymore!" And in an action I regretted in hindsight because I probably looked utterly retarded, I stamped my foot. "I want to go home!"

Let it be said I will never go into politics; I fail at dealing with stress and people, at the same time. Apparently, neither did Simmons. He looked ready to spit nails, or at least throw me in a legit jailcell. Luckily, Lennox stepped in, hands up in a peacekeeping gesture.

"Alright, calm down," he snapped, glaring at both me and Simmons. He ran a hand over his face. "Cripes. Alright, this is getting out of hand."

The time had passed for me to behave rationally, however. "Fine. _Fine_!" I shouted angrily. I reached out with an open hand, as if it were some kind of proof of something. "You want me to call him? Give me my cell phone and I will!"

The Commander paused. "Call… _Barricade_?" Lennox asked, confused.

"Yeah," I snapped. "He's on speed dial. Number four. Right after my grandmother and my sister."

The humans kind of stared at me bug-eyed for a second. The Autobots looked more intrigued, obviously having to figure out what a speed dial was first. They did look mildly surprised when they did figure it out.

"Ha, didn't expect that one, now didja!" I exclaimed, grinning. That I'd have a 'killer' on my phone.

"Nothing you've said in the last fifteen minutes has been what I was expecting," Epps snapped back. He nodded at my phone that Lennox retrieved from the soldier who took it from me. "I say, call the dude. Get him on speaker."

I hesitated. "Right now?" I asked dumbly.

"Yeah," Lennox said shortly, handing the device to me. He nodded. "Do it."

That was not a challenge I had been expecting to have to answer. I glanced at my phone, then at Lennox, and then at Optimus. Everyone just stared at me, waiting. Feeling pressured, I looked back at my phone, considering. The Autobots _might_ be able to trace the call, but Barricade would probably be expecting that. And even if they did trace it, he'd be aware of that risk the moment if or when he picked up.

I decided to throw caution to the wind and just pressed the speed dial and the speaker option. "Here goes nothing," I muttered, holding the phone out in front of me to let the others hear better. The humans moved in closer to listen and the mechs just stood there, frowning with varying degrees of speculation on their faces.

There was a single ring and then static. I stared at my phone questioningly. That wasn't… good? Then, suddenly, there was a click. And then a voice.

" _If you got your ass captured, you can forget me coming back to get you."_

I scowled. "Hi, Barricade," I replied sourly. "It's lovely to hear your voice again, too."

He did not sound happy at all. Which was understandable.

" _Are you injured?"_ he asked. He seemed distracted.

"Nope." I sighed. "You do have all the Autobots listening into this. Just FYI."

" _I figured as much."_ Barricade went silent for a moment. Then… _"When this is over, not a word to Emily."_

"Ditto, genius," I snapped. Footsteps overhead alerted me to an approaching Autobot. I looked up and saw Optimus standing overhead, looking just as mighty and big as he had five minutes ago. I swallowed hard. "Uhhh, 'Cade, Optimus is here and, uh,…listen up, 'kay?"

Barricade didn't reply and I sighed softly. This would probably be the most awkward moment of my life. Actually, that sentiment was getting rather old, wasn't it? I sighed again.

"Barricade," Optimus said. Dang. He could make anything sound epic when he spoke.

" _Prime,"_ Barricade replied coldly. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes; this was not the time to be tough. _"I take it you found the human."_

"Yes." Optimus didn't sound angry, but he was definitely distrusting of the 'Con on the other end. He exchanged a quick glance with Lennox before asking, "Who is she to you?"

I could almost hear the optic-roll on the other end of the line. _"Depends,"_ the Interceptor replied shortly. _"What did she tell you?"_

Ahh, smart mech; he was waiting before he revealed anything that could be damaging. I knew how to do that, even though my actions sometimes spoke otherwise. "That you're a nice guy who's married to my cousin and you're trying to get out of the war," I answered for the others. "Which is the _truth_." Except for the first part, but I was trying to convince the people in front of me of the opposite, so I had to push it a bit.

Apparently, Barricade and I did not share the same viewpoints of what was valuable and/or dangerous information. _"Why the frag did you tell them that much?"_ he snapped, angry. _"Why not just go the easy route and tell them a lie like you did before? !"_

I sent the phone an incredulous look, as if he could see me. "Because they're the _good_ guys?" I offered, sarcastic, as if he couldn't understand basic English.

" _And they nearly killed us both. Your judgment of good versus evil is skewed, like everything else in your warped little mind."_

Seething, I glared at the phone. "I am trying to make sure they don't come kill you! Emily would freak out if I let you get yourself killed." More like she'd come find the Autobots and murder them all with electrical appliances.

I heard an engine sputter on the other end of the line. _"If_ you _let_ ME _?"_ Barricade demanded, sounding insulted and incredulous. _"You are not in any way better off than I am—no, you're_ worse _off. Shut up and let me do the talking!"_

"I am doing just _fine_ , thank you!" I snapped, irritated now.

"Barricade," Optimus began, his patience beginning to wear thing now, too.

Barricade snarled. _"Ignore the little carbonmonkey. She's mentally impaired."_

Something about that insult really did strike a nerve with me; maybe it was stress, but my patience and calmness just evaporated like water in the desert. " _WHAT_ DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" I screeched, suddenly ignoring the Autobots. I yanked the phone up to my mouth, pissed as all hell. "You little whiny _bitch_ —after all I did for you!"

" _What you did for me? !"_ Barricade shouted back, equally angry now. _"What—asides from nearly blowing my cover dozens of times and getting Starscream on my aftpipes like a fungus ? !"_

"Oh, fuck you! I saved your ass when it came to Starscream!" I yelled. "And Emily! You never would have made it to the altar without me getting you back there in one piece! I picked out your goddamn _TUX_ , you asshole!" I did; he wore the shirt I had thrown at him.

" _I never needed your help!"_

"Well, I don't need yours! Not ever!"

" _I'd like to hear that when you come begging me to rescue your ass!"_

"YOU'RE THE DUMBASS WHO GOT US CAUGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

" _STOP SCREAMING INTO THE PHONE!"_

"MAKE ME, YOU BITCH!"

Jazz snorted and that immediately brought me out of my haze of anger and hysteria. I looked up at him in shock. He was grinning madly and Ratchet looked kinda befuddled. Everyone else stared at me like I had suddenly spouted an extra head. I blinked back at them.

"… _you still there?"_ Barricade asked, suddenly aware I had stopped talking.

"Uhh," I replied unintelligently. "Hang on a sec." I stared at the Autobots. "What?"

Jazz laughed once, gaining the majority's attention. "If they're faking, I'd say let 'em go just for the A+ effort," he said, grinning and shrugging. No one else seemed to agree with his sentiment and Ratchet shook his head.

"…I _knew_ I liked you as a character for a reason," I said, smiling winningly up at the silver mech. Yeah. Jazz was pretty cool.

Unfortunately, my comment made his smile vanish. "As a _what_?" Jazz asked, looking down at me in surprise.

 _Oops_. "Um. Fuck." Flustered, I tried to refocus the attention on the phone. "Barricade, get your rear in gear and do shit! I don't care what, I want to go home."

Barricade scoffed. _"_ What _was that about me not saving you?"_ he asked, mocking.

Ohgoddamnit, he was right. I threw my hand up in the air, exasperated. "Just do it!" I said, failing to come up with a better response.

" _If it weren't for the fact I need you alive to appease the other organics, I would have dumped you in a pit,"_ Barricade replied darkly. _"Just so this is clear."_

I growled. "Ditto."

Optimus leaned closer, his metal body creaking. "Barricade, it is obvious we need to discuss this in greater detail. Is what the child says true?" he asked, frowning at the phone. "You're living amongst the humans?" The incredulity in his voice was prominent.

The pause that followed was intenseeee. _"…Yes,"_ the Interceptor finally said, a threat clearly rising in his voice. He did not want to talk about this, and I couldn't blame him. _"What of it?"_

"You cannot expect us to believe this is not a trick," Ratchet said, interrupting.

" _I don't care what you believe,"_ Barricade shot back, aggressive again. _"I need the organic, in one piece, or so help me, Autodolts, I will not hesitate to obliterate you all."_

He was so good at making friends, it almost made me think of me. I think I was rubbing off on him. I slapped my hand over my eyes, hissing in frustration as the Autobots and NEST officials all drew back in anger.

"I'll show you how to obliterate something, you miserable Decepticon!" Ironhide bellowed, cannons whirling. I really hoped he wouldn't try to blow up my phone. I still had a year to go on the service plan.

But then, something else clicked in my mind. I froze.

"Wait. Wait. Wait a second," I said, my mind stumbling over the facts presented to me. "I am being held hostage by the Autobots… and I'm going to be rescued by a Decepticon turn-coat?" I gaped up at the mechs in front of me, my mind successfully committing suicide. Or at least that's what it felt like. "WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS WRONG WITH THIS UNIVERSE? !"

Well, _that_ cinched it for me at the time. I had either lost my mind inside a fan girl delusion or I had turned myself into a fan fiction. I wasn't pleased, either way.

" _I said stop yelling!"_ Barricade snapped, returning his attention to me.

"I am having a mental break down, you ass, I'll yell all I want!" I shot back, my anger giving way to all sorts of despair and chaos. Oh, man, I was completely over my head, once again. I peered at the Autobots fearfully and then the military. "Oh, _mannnn_."

Thankfully, someone took charge of the madness. "Christ, this is completely out of control," Lennox snapped, angry. I couldn't blame him; the entire situation was completely unraveling. He walked up to the phone, speaking with a firm, no-nonsense voice that clearly fit him as his role as a commander. "This is Commander Lennox. Look. You can't run forever, Barricade. If you really want to clear this up, you need to come to us. You're a Decepticon and until we see proof otherwise, you're staying that way for us. We will not let any Decepticons run lose on Earth, _period_."

Well, that was menacing. "Well, Starscream's in luck," I muttered, sitting down on the ground. I was too shaky to stand anymore. "He doesn't run at all. Except away."

Jazz snorted, but no one else laughed. They glared at me with the kind of loathing reserved for Decepticon sympathizing humans, which I guess I was. Fuck.

Barricade seemed to miss the humor as well. _"You really, really need to shut up. Right now,"_ he said bluntly. _"Just… don't talk. Don't think. Don't breathe, either, for that matter."_

I glared at the phone in my hand with all the loathing I could muster. "I fucking hate you."

" _The feeling, squishy, is utterly mutual_ ," he snarled back.

Optimus rumbled overhead, severe. "We will be expecting you in twenty four hours, Barricade," he warned. I didn't even want to know how he'd find us.

" _Lovely,"_ Barricade replied, deadpan. He paused. _"Hey, squishy."_

Resigned to the indignant nicknames until he didn't have to worry about his ego being tarnished in front of his enemies, I glanced at the phone, sighing. "What?"

The snark was forever immortal throughout our darkest hours. _"I know this is going to be difficult, but keep your mouth shut,"_ he replied, mocking and yet serious about it. _"It might keep you alive longer."_

That made me laugh. "I have long since given up on escaping this sane or alive. Either or." I frowned. This was insane, not just for me. "Be careful please."

" _Hn."_

With that, the call ended. I drew my hand back and pocketed the phone, watching the soliders carefully. They didn't seem to care I had taken the phone back; Lennox was busy looking angry and he and Epps began to talk hurriedly about getting ready for a potential attack. I frowned, but kept my comments to myself. Barricade wasn't exactly going to go running to Starscream for backup.

Shivering, I sincerely hoped they wouldn't greet him as if he had brought the jet. Barricade was tough, but not _that_ tough.

Until the Interceptor actually showed up, I realized that I would be stuck at the NEST base. Just perfect. I watched the proceedings in front of me play out, realizing I was no longer the center of attention. Simmons stormed off, ranting about having to contact the Secretary of Defense and Lennox was snapping orders around about tightening security. Ironhide walked off with several human soldiers, probably to do just that. Ratchet and Jazz transformed and followed other humans in the opposite direction, headed who-knew-where. I sat on the floor, watching.

"Where are we going now?" I asked abruptly when I noticed Lennox was starting ot head off after Ironhide.

Turning, he fixed me with a stern glare. "We're not going anywhere," he said simply. "You sit here."

"…I'm staying the night here aren't I?" I asked, grimacing. My mom was probably freaking out, unless Barry had set up some sort of cover for us. He probably had, but what if the Army went to my house? That would be horrible.

"You're not going anywhere unless we clear this up," Lennox shot back. There was no room for discussion in his voice. He turned to leave again.

"What am I under arrest for?" I demanded, feeling the need to be a little cheeky. Was I even under arrest? If this kept me out of college, I swear to God—

"Besides aiding and abetting an intergalactic terrorist?" Epps suggested, arms crossed.

I paused. "…Touché," I said, reluctantly. I drew back in sudden irritation. "And he's _not_ a _terrorist_! He's a neutral now!"

Lennox scowled. "Doesn't change the fact we don't have any reason to believe you," he said pointedly.

There, he had a point, but I refused to accept it easily. I stood up, angry. "Goddamn it. Fine," I snapped. I put my hands on my hips, aiming for one last jab. "But don't I get a phone call?"

Impressively, Lennox didn't reply to the immature statement. He strode past with Epps and the two continued their important Army talking.

And I was left in the middle of the warehouse/base place, feeling very, very alone.

"…Jerks." I scowled at his departing form. And then a wall of metal entered my right side line of sight. I yelped, jumping back, and realized Optimus was still there. " _Holy crap!_ " I stared up at the solemn leader, heart racing. "Y-You're still here. Hi. Wow."

Optimus tilted his head. "Until the Secretary of Defense shows up, I believe we should have a talk, Rebecca," he said, beginning with as much epic awesomeness as he did with any other statement. But this particular sentence made me even more nervous.

_Here it comes… the great reveal._

"…Right. Lovely. Please, call me Becky," I replied, eye twitching. Oh, man, this was intimating. Even Ironhide was gone. Just me and the giant alien robot leader of a bunch of other giant robots. "Do you want to talk here—?"

And then the dude transformed. I won't lie; I jumped again. Barricade was so much smaller than Optimus Prime was. A truck appeared in front of me thirty seconds later, glimmering in the florescent lighting like it had just rolled off the assembly line. I wondered if they shanghaied the soldiers to wax them, or it was just a natural sheen. Did robots have natural sheen? _I'm jealousss_.

"Um… okay… that works, too," I stuttered, eyeing the truck with trepidation.

The driver's side door opened and, understanding basic robot sign language, I realized he wanted me in there.

Inside… him. Yeaaaaah, this was kinda weird. Cringing, I walked forward, eyeing the remarkably still truck warily. Climbing up onto the seat, I closed the door myself and sat back in the chair.

Well, this was awkward. I sat utterly still on the seat, gazing around at the interior of the truck, eyes wide. It was… remarkably like sitting in a regular truck. But this wasn't a truck. This was Optimus Prime.

So. Awkward.

"You have a very nice interior," I said absently. "I mean it. Not just to, like, flatter you into liking me more," I added quickly. I paused, realizing. "…Not that I'm _hitting_ on you either." _JesusFuck,_ if I were a super hero, I would be Socially Awkward Woman.

Luckily, Optimus didn't seem to pick up on my idiocy. "Thank you," he said, politely. He sighed and I readied myself for the rest of his monologue. "I must admit I am curious… you have not fully explained yourself, at least not in a way that would excuse the knowledge you have about myself or my fellow Autobots."

I giggled nervously. "I know more than just about you guys," I said, waving my hand. "Starscream, Megatron, Soundwave, Shockwave, the All Spark, Cybertron… the whole shebang."

Because supreme, unearthly knowledge of evil aliens and the like were part of a _shebang_.

"How?" Optimus asked, sounding more surprised at those unfamiliar names. His patience seemed endless, at least for now. When he spoke, he was encouraging, unlike Barricade had when I had to explain it to him a year ago. "No matter how difficult it is to say, it will greatly aid your position here, Becky."

I stared at his dashboard, feeling more and more ill over the whole situation. I didn't have a lot of options. There was no telling what sort of drama or trouble I could start by trying to tell them what I knew. Barricade had slowly grown to accept my answers as semi-valid after he had failed to come up with solid answers of his own. But that had taken place over the course of a year. I definitely didn't have that long to win over the Autobots or NEST.

"…I guess I should start from the beginning, huh?" I asked absently, looking out the window. I felt jittery.

"That would be the best solution," Optimus replied, quietly encouraging. What a nice dude, seriously.

I bit my lip. "You're not going to like what I have to say. I mean it." Though I bet he'd taken it nicer than Barricade had.

The truck rumbled softly. "I will listen regardless."

Staring down at him again, the nervousness in my chest increased, but I couldn't help but smile. "You're just as nice as I remember you being," I said, chuckling at myself. Maybe I could trust them.

"Remember?" Optimus repeated, surprised again.

I sighed. "…Right." With a heavy mind and racing heart, I sat back in the seat, attempting to organize my thoughts. "Let's see if I can remember what I told Barricade when I first met him last year."

And then I told him. I told him everything.

 

* * *

**End Chapter Three.**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/Ns  
> -"Commander Walker"/ "Ghost-1" – All references to the pre-movie novel, Ghosts of Yesterday, where a human crew in the 70s wound up meeting the Autobots and Decepticons out in deep space after Sector-7 got a ship based on Megatron's technology working. Walker was the leader of the crew and he and Optimus had a few conversations. Incidentally, their interactions (and the fallout of their meeting) led to the Transformers discovering Earth. Wasn't that bad of a book actually.  
> -"Sneezing" – Reference to a superstition that says if someone is talking about you, you'll sneeze if you're far away from them at the time.  
> -Lmao I love how Sam showed up for like five seconds. Don't worry, he'll be back, as will the others.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep hearing "Brahmn's Hungarian Dance" by David Garrett playing for this chapter, at least toward the end. Look it up on Youtube. Also: remember, please, this story is indeed a parody of many fics out on the market currently. ;) I write in jest.
> 
> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

____

* * *

_" _Remember the days where nothing happened at all in our lives? Yeah… I miss those days."__

* * *

 

My night at the base was very anti-climatic. I should stress the fact that this was probably the last anti-climactic moment of my life. For that reason, I liked it. It was unfortunate I couldn't stay longer.

Optimus Prime had taken my story patiently, listening until the very end with very few interjections to interrupt. I told him everything I had told Barricade, about how _Transformers_ had been a franchise and I was a fan of the show and movie series. I told him all the tiny details I had known from the books, cartoons and films. I told him how I had met Barricade and how I had known who he was.

I skipped the part about the fanbase at large, however. I would spare them the nightmares for a later date.

I had also enlightened Optimus to the fact that no one knew how this was possible. I certainly remembered a life when _Transformers_ was a show, despite the fact no one else did. I couldn't just be insane (or at least I hoped), because I knew things no one but a spare few knew, such as the ill-fated flight of _Ghost-1_ , or the true events behind Mission City. I knew more Autobot names than the United States military did; heck, I knew more Decepticon names than they did, too.

It had been a long two-hour discussion, but when I was done, Optimus thanked me and sent me off with some soldiers to get settled for the night. It was curious he didn't challenge what I had told him or just brushed me off as insane. He was probably going to run it by the other Autobots and the human leaders and then get back to me. For what, I didn't know.

The next morning would be the ultimate test for, well, everything. Barricade was scheduled to drop by for a visit (I was terrified it would turn into a one-on-five street brawl personally) so I was hustled around the base from five A.M. until about ten, when they plunked me down in some small lounge area they had set up, complete with folding table and metal chairs, with Lieutenant Epps as my personal babysitter. I guess they didn't trust me with lesser-ranked soldiers, but Epps didn't say much. He had a wrestling magazine and was reading, leaving me to sit there with nothing to do, but watch other soldiers move around the warehouse (the "lounge" was just a section of the main warehouse hall; this was apparently a temporary base.)

There were a lot of problems I was still having, at least internally. So many questions and so few answers… it was like the universe was conspiring to utterly ruin my life. Maybe it was. Perhaps that would do for a new theory.

I almost missed seeing a couple walk toward the table. After seeing so many people in army fatigues and uniforms rushing around, it was surprising to see two civilians. Then again, once I saw their faces, I wanted to run the other way.

Sam Witwicky and Mikaela Banes, both looking as uncomfortable as I felt, walked over to the table. Epps glanced up and smiled at them. Both teens looked at each other and then glanced at me. I stared back.

Oh, boy.

"Hi," I began, awkward. At least I wasn't sputtering non-existent actor names at them this time.

"Hi…" Sam replied. He slid into one of the spare folding chairs and Mikaela sat next to him. The card table between us seemed oversized as the three of us (Epps was reading still) stared each other down. Sam scratched his chin, fumbling for words. "Um. Commander Lennox said you might need someone to talk to."

Ah. So that's what this was. I frowned. "Talk to as in, 'make sure she's still sane,' or 'interrogate'?" I asked. I wasn't upset by the idea they were using the two for the latter purpose. Heck, I would try that, too, if I really wanted answers.

Sam hesitated under the question. "Uh…"

Shifting in the chair, Mikaela took over the conversation, frowning. "To be honest, I'm sure it's the second one," she said. Epps sent her a dark look, but bless her heart, Mikalea ignored him. "But since none of those military guys are going to ask, are you okay?"

That was the kindest thing I had heard sent my way in over twenty-four hours. I had to smile, albeit shakily, nodding. "Thank you for asking," I said, truly grateful for at least one nice face out of dozens. I sank back in the metal chair, sighing softly. "I'm fine. Just tired." They fed me, got me civilian clothing and let me use the bathroom. I had experienced worst hotel treatment, I had to admit, so it wasn't too bad… yet.

"Bumblebee was telling us about what you told Optimus," Sam began again, trying for that casual tone again. Someone needed to tell him he was as bad as I was with the nonchalant thing. "Pretty heavy stuff."

Arching my eyebrow, I gave him an incredulous look. "Heavy?" I repeated. "You think me telling him that I think our realities somehow got flipped upside down is _heavy_?"

Epps grinned, leaning over. "I personally think you're insane," he offered brightly. Apparently the military had been informed of my story after all.

I scowled at him. " _Thank you_ , Lieutenant Epps," I said, deadpan. I mean, I was thinking it too, but I didn't need reminders.

"You know I never had to introduce myself to her? She just knew my name," Epps continued, now talking to Sam. He gestured at me before picking his magazine back up. "Creepy ass chick."

"Barricade didn't tell you anything at all about us?" Mikaela asked, redirecting the conversation again, thankfully.

Sighing, I shook my head. Always the same questions! "Nope. I was the one who had to tell him why I knew stuff about him, just like I had to tell you guys," I replied, crossing my arms as I leaned back in the chair. "He was the only one for a long time, almost a year. I posted all that stuff online and you guys never picked up on it."

There was an awkward pause, when suddenly Sam gasped. "Wait… _WAIT_!" he cried. He drew back, astonished. " _You're_ TFfan203?"

I stared at him, for the first time at that end of the confusion cycle. "What?" That name sounded _vaguely_ familiar…

Sam's expression of shock only grew larger as he figured something out. "I found a message board a few weeks ago. About Transformers. Like, I thought it was about the Transformers," he said, glancing around at Mikaela and Epps, before looking back at me. "Are you TFfan203?"

Blinking, I remembered belatedly that I had made up several strange usernames to shield my identity just in case Simmons had launched a home invasion. I knew it wouldn't do much good, if they went all CIA on my ass, but I tried. "…Yes?" I said at last, realizing it was probably true. No one else was going to know about this, I added darkly to myself.

"Jeez!" the teenager sputtered. He looked scandalized. "Y-you knew about it then, too? When you posted that stuff about alien sightings a-and talking cars?"

Epps looked up at Sam, now very interested in the conversation. "Why didn't you report that, kid?" he asked, eyes narrowed.

"I thought she was nuts!" Sam exclaimed, now the center of attention. He faltered. "I meant to tell Bee, but, um…"

"He forgot," Mikaela said, finishing for him. She sighed heavily, looking harassed. "As always." I snickered.

"Hey!" Sam shot back, upset.

Laughing, I waved my hand at him. "No, it's cool. I… I had hoped someone would have found it, but I guess not until it was too late." I sighed, wistful. "Then again, I'm glad I got caught alone rather than Agent Simmons knocking on my door and beating up my Chihuahua." _That_ , of all things, would have been the absolute worst.

However, Sam tilted his head, both he and Mikeala giving me strangely wary looks. "…How did you know about that?" Mikaela asked. Oh, _right_. They hadn't read the part of the script where, you know, that entire scene _was a fucking script_.

I _stared_ at her. "Oracle. Psychic. God's least favored human of the millennia," I replied dryly. "Take your pick." That last option was still my favorite.

Sam's eyes narrowed. "…What's my middle name?" he asked, challengingly.

"James," I said shortly. Before the startled teen could say anything else, I continued, pointing at him and then Mikaela. "I have no idea what your shoe size is, or her bra size, but I guess if I had been a dude, I might have found out her actress's." I froze and then made a look of disgust. "…Man, that's creepy."

"Yeah," Mikaela agreed, wearing a similar look of disgust. Well, it _was_ true of the fanbase…

Attempting to distract us from that awkward faux pas, I pointed at Sam again. "You got an A- on your history paper," I added. Pausing, I remembered the conversation from the scene between Sam and his father. " 'Let me see it, let me see it, it's an A-, but it's still an A though. Let me see—okay, it's an A."

The look on Sam's face spoke more for the situation that anything any of us could have said. I sighed as the silence continued, Sam gaping at me in utter shock.

"…What the _FUCK_ ," he finally managed to say. Mikaela shook her head, eyes huge.

Flinging back into the seat, I pulled at my hair. "TELL ME ABOUT IT!" I yelled. It was beyond terrifying, not even just that I knew such little details. It was _how_ and _why_ I knew them was what bothered me most.

The ground started to shake. Was it weird that I was already used to the sensation of a five-ton robot walking our way? Looking up, I saw Bumblebee approaching our little tea party location. He nodded politely at me and Epps (well, okay, at Epps; everyone treated me either like part of the furniture or a rabid squirrel), but focused on the other two teens.

"Mikaela, Sam. Lennox wants you two off base for the afternoon," Bumblebee announced, peering down at his two charges. "Private Harrison will drive you back to the hotel." I scowled; why did _THEY_ get a hotel? Fuck being a political prisoner, man. This sucked.

"Aren't you driving us?" Sam asked, standing.

Bumblebee shook his head, er, helm. "No. They want me here when Barricade arrives."

That really did make me look at them darkly, scoffing loudly to catch their attentions. "Jeez, you already have four Autobots against one ex-Decepticon," I complained. "A little overkill, isn't it?"

Surprisingly, Bumblebee didn't react strongly to that comment. "Not if Barricade is bringing a trap here," he replied calmly.

"He won't," I said firmly. "I'd kick his ass first." That translating to 'I would tell Emily so fast, he'd be served with divorce papers before he had the chance to shutter his optics.'

My audience was unimpressed. "Right," Sam murmured. He waved awkward at me. "Well, good luck with the whole, uh, negotiating thing."

I had to laugh. "At least they were kind enough not to send me Simmons," I joked. "I think we'd really have problems then. Make sure he's not there for when 'Cade shows up. Just saying. I warned Barricade about that dude before." We bonded that evening by coming up with as many insults as possible for the M.I.B.. I hoped I would never have to use them, however. That guy was creepy.

Bumblebee tilted his head as Sam and Mikaela walked away, following some solider I assumed was named Harrison. "You are a very strange person," the yellow Autobot stated simply.

I arched my eyebrow at him. "Yes. Yes, I am." Frowning, I added, "That doesn't mean I'm a liar."

"I didn't say you were," Bumblebee replied. He didn't sound very emotional, but I could see a teasing look in his expression. Yeah, Autobots were nicer than the 'Cons, I had to admit.

Shifting uneasily, I bit my lip. "…So… what did you guys think? About my story, I mean?" I asked after a moment.

Bumblebee didn't say anything at first. "…Like I said. You are strange," he said carefully. "Optimus was impressed by your knowledge of various things, but that doesn't exclude Barricade's intervention there. We're going to wait until Barricade arrives to see if he, somehow, could validate your story."

"He doesn't have a clue either," I exclaimed. Frustrated, I looked away. Everything was so out of control. "It's just… so, so weird. And not fair. Why am I the only one who remembers? E-even if our worlds did mesh… why? And how?"

"I wouldn't know," Bumblebee said. At least he managed to sound partially sympathetic.

Exasperated, I gripped my head. "I still think it's unfair that I'm the only person who knows anything about this shit. I mean, _come on_! I'm not special. I don't have a fancy name, or special powers, or some awesome origins! I was just a normal, ordinary fan girl—!"

And then, without prompt, I realized something. Something horrifying. Something… something that made me die inside, my heart giving out from the sheer terror that surged through me.

I… I wasn't a fan girl anymore.

 _I was a fucking_ _Mary-Sue_.

"GODDAMN IT!" I cried, gripping my face. Epps jumped up and Bumblebee turned his head, surprised.

"What's wrong?" Epps asked, glaring.

I had no time to worry about making sense. With a horrible groan, I brought my legs up to my chest in the chair, my eyes wide in fear. I—I was a Mary-Sue. I was a _GODDAMN SUE_. Not only was I trapped in a world I had once cherished as a fictional haven, I was now at the center of a mystery that brought in not only Autobots, but Decepticons as well.

_**SHIT.** _

At least I wasn't drop dead gorgeous, or an orphan. Bad signs. Bad signs indeed. I actually had a decent family and I was meh-looking. _THANK GOD._ (Though I was pretty sure that would be the only time in my life I was praising such looks.) Even still, I was afraid for my worth as a human being. Barricade might actually have some credence for his commentary on my "wasting of space," if he ever found out about this. …If he could ever understand what Mary-Sue meant, of course. Whatever.

"Can I use the Internet real quick?" I asked hurriedly to Epps. "I need to check the Mary-Sue Litmus test, quick!"

Epps flinched back. "The _wha_ —no," he said firmly, shaking his head. "No Internet contact at all."

I looked at him with desperate eyes. "Then, _please_ , tell me I'm hideous!"

Epps stared at me for a good ten seconds, his expression morphing slowly into one of disturbed shock. "…Jesus Christ, you _are_ completely insane," he stated.

Groaning, I buried my face into my hands. "Ffffuck." Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse!

"What's wrong?" Bumblebee asked, honestly baffled.

I sent him a pained look. "In my old world, I would totally be considered something called a Mary-Sue. I'm a girl, the only fan left _AND_ I'm stuck in a mystery where I don't know why the world has flipped over!"

"Or… or…" Epps began slowly, motioning at me as if I were mentally impaired, "you're just _insane_." I scowled. Didn't he understand the direness of this situation? !

"I don't understand," Bumblebee said, tilting his head again. He apparently, God save him, had looked up what I was talking about online. Apparently Wikipedia was working, even in this strange world. "What is so wrong about being a 'Mary-Sue?'"

"It's just an abomination to writing!" I cried. I sent him a desperate look. "D-do you think I'm one?"

The Autobot hummed thoughtfully. "Well…if all of what you're saying is true, then I suppose so." He peered at me curiously. "You are a little weird."

"Do I _LOOK_ like my name is fucking Aurian? !" I screeched. Bumblebee flinched back, frowning.

Epps sat back in the chair. "You actually kind of look like a Veronica to me," he said, conversationally. I let my head drop onto the table. Fuck _everything_ , man.

I didn't notice until he had gotten to the table and spoke, but Commander Lennox suddenly appeared. "Bumblebee, Epps, we're moving now," he said, making me look up in shock.

"Why?" Epps asked, standing, discarding his magazine on the table.

Lennox gestured with his head back at the front of the base entrance. "Radar's showing movement on the southern road up here."

So Barricade had arrived. I swallowed, incredibly nervous. This would be the deciding factor for the both of us whether we both survived, or I had to go home and tell Emily how her husband had been blown apart by vengeful alien robot soldiers.

"I hope you're ready for this, kid," Epps said, glancing back at me. I grimaced, standing up after him, and proceeded to walk along side him and Bumblebee (was it weird that I barely flinched when the giant alien got that close?).

"Hey, I'm not the one who's in danger of getting attacked," I replied. Considering that statement, I frowned. "Actually, _no one_ is, except Barricade. You're acting like he's going to bring the whole Decepticon armada with him."

"Civilians have been used as a decoy in the past by the Decepticons," Bumblebee said with a frown.

I glared at him. "Yeah, that's true… _except Barricade isn't a Decepticon_!" I exclaimed angrily.

Almost with karmic flare, Optimus and Ironhide walked up, Jazz and Ratchet close behind. I froze as the two huge Autobots got close enough to speak to us. _Oh, boy… here we go_.

"Even if he isn't following Starscream, he cannot be trusted," Bumblebee replied shortly, ending the discussion. He looked up at the two, nodding respectfully. "Optimus, sir."

"Bumblebee," Optimus rumbled, nodding back. He looked down at me. He had the kindness to smile politely. "Becky."

Feeling properly dwarfed and insignificant, I nodded back. "Hello," I said, my voice wavering. I waved awkwardly at the three other Autobots as they joined us. "Hi."

Jazz, despite the intense stares the other four were giving me, grinned. "Survived the night, huh?" he asked. For some reason, his joking around was more comforting than any serious reassurance someone else could give me.

"Yeah…" I replied, wrapping my arms around my chest. Oh, I was starting to feel sick from the nervousness.

We started to walk toward the front of the base, where I assumed the military would either guide or let Barricade drive up to freely. I prayed sincerely that the Autobots weren't just setting it up to be a free-for-all shooting event. Barricade didn't stand a chance against everyone present there. I had to trust that the heroes of the story were in fact that good guys and wouldn't do something so sneaky.

As we walked, I looked up at Jazz, who was easily shorter than the other 'Bots, so it was easier to peer up at him. A thought struck me as we traversed in silence, the only real noise the sound of the Autobots walking on the concrete.

"How are you alive?" I asked abruptly.

I had the feeling I'd be causing the lot of them to freeze and look down at me in shock a lot. Jazz in particular had a surprised expression.

"Huh?" he asked, confused.

Now that the cat was out of the bag, I felt a bit better about saying whatever I wanted to these guys, without ruining my secret. "At the end of the movie, you were killed by Megatron," I explained, ignoring the snort from Ironhide, who apparently didn't like my 'movie' theories. "You survived obviously. How?"

Chuckling, Jazz shrugged as we walked toward the front of the base. "Ratchet fixed me up," he replied, good-naturedly despite what we were just talking about. "Turns out my spark was still salvageable. Mech works wonders."

Well, that… made sense. Sort of. At least to me it did, from a fan standpoint. "Oh. Okay. That was a theory for some fans. I mean, come on! Who kills off _Jazz_ in the first part of any story?" I said, laughing, though I was the only one who found that amusing. I counted off on my hand, easily going on a tangent that reminded me of my geekier days (then again, one could argue that I was in my geekiest moment ever living in the world that I was living). "The formula was that Megatron dies, then Optimus, Megatron is resurrected as Galvatron, and then Starscream dies, and _then_ Optimus is brought back to life and kills Galvatron for good. Duh. Well, unless you're talking about that horrible G1 movie where _everyone_ fucking dies except like First Aid and I think Hound. That was _terrible_."

While most of the mechs and humans had gone uneasily quiet, casting wary looks at me, that entire time, Jazz had just stopped smiling. He spoke civilly however.

"Huh. You do know a lot of names, don't you?" he asked, frowning slightly.

With a sigh, I nodded. "Yeah."

Ironhide rumbled lowly, casting me a dark look. "If you truly are some Oracle, you should help us end the war," he said. Ratchet seemed to be intrigued by that, but all I wanted to do was curl up into a hole in the wall, because now everyone was looking at me expectantly.

"I'm not a fortune telling machine!" I sputtered, now alarmed. Even the humans seemed listening to that idea. I mean, it was a good theory, one that Barricade and I had tried to explore, but come on. I only knew so much. "I-I only know what I already know… you know? Before the flip."

"What do you think of our chances, then?" Optimus suddenly asked. We had stopped by the main doors, looking out at the large strip of blacktop that serving as a makeshift airstrip. Apparently, this base was only temporary until they 'brought in the real one.' My inner fangirl told me that this undoubtedly meant the _Ark_ , but I didn't say anything. I knew randomly spouting facts about them was only acceptable in small doses.

I froze and looked up at him in surprise. "Huh?"

"What do you think about the situation for Earth?" he asked. The giant tilted his head, politely curious. "If anything, what is your opinion?"

Well… I certainly had never been asked _that_. Barricade had just demanded answers about how I knew things, as did most of these soldiers and Autobots had recently. They wanted to know about the past as well as the future, but they never asked what I had just _thought_ about the war. Interesting.

"The Decepticons are stupid to try anything more," I said after considering how I was going to respond. "Humanity's going to get through this, especially now that you guys actually are teaming up with the military. If Megatron is gone, I'd say you guys have more than a fighting's chance. Shockwave is back on Cybertron right?" I sighed, ignoring the stunned look Ironhide and Ratchet wore when I mentioned yet another unexpected name. "Well, I doubt he'll do much, at least for Earth. Soundwave is M.I.A. according to Barricade, so that leaves Starscream. Kill him and I'm pretty sure the war's over."

Optimus stared at me, look strangely… confused. "You side with Barricade and yet support us in this war," he said, grave.

I smiled, despite my uneasy stomach. "Of course. I'm totally an Autobot." Quizzla told me so. "But like I said, family comes first. Barricade really has switched sides, I promise you that. He doesn't want to be in any war."

Ratchet only frowned, shaking his head. "That is not how this will work, child," he warned.

"Yeah, I kinda figured," I replied, the warning ineffective. With a dramatic sigh, I crossed my arms and gazed out into the parking-lot-turned-military base. "Oh, well. I've given up expecting an easy way out for this. As long as no one I know or care about dies, I don't care what happens next."

Before I had time to dwell on my own declaration (because to be honest, I was panicking over idea of what would happen next to us), I heard shouting further down the strip. Suddenly, I saw movement far ahead of the gates. That could only mean one thing, as the soldiers all began to rush to their stations, all prepared for the worst: Barricade was here. I craned my neck to see the sleek black form of the ex-shock trooper drove at a moderately fast pace, past the entry guards and headed fearlessly forward to meet us at the front of the hangar.

"Here he comes…" Lennox muttered, hands tensing around his gun. Everyone there, except me, tensed. I head Ironhide's weapons whirl softly.

"Oh, _no_ , he's got four tires," I announced suddenly, making them look at me again. I was entirely sarcastic, however. "He _must_ be up to something."

Epps shot me a look. "Save the snark, kid," he said dryly.

Glaring back, I huffed and crossed my arms. "Fine." We'd get enough of it when Barricade and I were reunited, I wagered.

Barricade really must have had ball bearings of steel, because he didn't hesitate in the slightest as he drove up to us. Optimus moved forward slightly, but everyone else remained still as the Mustang slowed and then came to a complete stop ten or fifteen yards away.

You could have heard a pin drop in that field, let me tell you. Everyone else was ready to start firing off their guns, even as Barricade just sat there, but me? For some bizarre reason, I was immensely elated.

"Barricade!" I cried, unable not to smile. It was still bizarre to see him as a car/robot more than his human side now, but he was still the same guy… and also one of my only allies.

Barricade transformed, rising just slightly above Bumblebee's height. He was still dwarfed by Ironhide, Ratchet and Optimus, though Barricade radiated enough danger and aggressive to be matched up to Ironhide easily. "I'm amazed," Barricade replied, deadpan, as his optics roved to me. "You're still functioning."

 _Oh_ , I had missed his snark. I motioned at the entire side I was on, deciding to cut to the chase. "You have to leave everyone alone, 'Cade," I said, but then I reconsidered. I pointed at Agent Simmons, who scowled. "Well, except him. You can kill him. I never liked him, even in the movie."

That was a joke, sort of, but no one laughed, of course. I sighed and stood back, knowing this wasn't my place to speak anymore.

"We're leaving," Barricade said shortly. He looked like he was going to step closer to make good on that order, but he didn't. He eyed the Autobots warily, completely ignoring everyone else.

Apparently, the human military didn't like him ignoring them as potential threats. "No, no you're not," Lennox snapped, earning Barricade's attention. The commander gestured at me, the perfectly serious soldier. "We are not going to let you drive off with an underage kid, no matter _how_ insane she is. You have answers to give us, now."

 _WHY_ did everyone think I was insane? ! Jesus, and I thought Barricade's theories of me being a space oracle were bad.

"Like what?" I exclaimed, ignoring the glares from the other soldiers. "I told you everything!"

Barricade sent me a pained glare. " _Primus_ …!" he started to say, both angry and exasperated.

I cut him off. "Oh, shut up! Honesty is the best policy when you're outnumbered like a hundred to two, idiot!" I countered. He didn't look too impressed by that, so I turned back to Lennox, pleading. " _Come on_. What harm would it do to let us go? ! We weren't hurting anyone before we ran into you guys!" A year of good behavior _HAD_ to count for something.

Optimus rumbled lowly. "You know more than any other human we've ever met. Someone is telling you this information," he responded. He wasn't angry, but he was definitely suspicious. "Barricade?"

Barricade shot him a dark look, but didn't say anything at first. He glanced down at me and then back at Prime. "Not me," he replied. How he managed to sound so nonchalant and yet loathing, I didn't know. He had a gift.

"Then _where_?" Lennox prompted.

"We don't fragging know, _human_ ," Barricade snapped, focusing on him again. He jerked his head toward where I was standing. "Why does it matter? She can't tell the future, only factual things about our respective armies. She's harmless." I was most surprised he didn't say 'useless' but I wasn't going to point that out to give him the idea.

Jazz frowned thoughtfully, making a humming noise that attracted everyone's attention. "Yeah, but what about you?" he asked. He didn't sound suspicious, merely curious.

Barricade tensed. "I have no intention of serving Starscream again," he began lowly. He glanced at me again, though I didn't know why. "Nor any other Decepticon commander. I… am sick of war, as you all should be."

Oh, the Decepticon bitching the Autobots out for being warlike? What kind of world was _this_? ! I turned away to hide my smirk before I got in trouble for laughing again.

"You are a warrior to the spark, Barricade," Ratchet replied, optics narrowed. Beside him, Ironhide growled lowly, eager to fight. "Why would you suddenly become a pacifist now?"

"Oh, don't mistake me for one of you Autodolts with your ideals of peace and tranquility!" Barricade snapped, thoroughly insulted. "My reasons are my own. I don't need to answer to you."

I sent a sly glance over to the human soldiers. "In other words, he got laid and found out he likes living like a human too much to miss out on it," I explained casually. I looked up at the Autobots, adding, "Plus he doesn't want to die for a pointless cause."

"Shut it!" Barricade hissed, turning on me now. The Autobots and soldiers tensed up, but I was unmoved.

I waved my finger at him, taunting. "Call me a 'squishy' again, and I'm telling Emily about this entire thing," I threatened. Inwardly, I was hoping for a particular reaction to prove a point.

The glare he sent me was positively toxic. "Brat, do _not_ test me," he snarled. I smiled back innocently, my point proven. Maybe I did know this guy too well…

"See?" I asked, turning back to the Autobots. I grinned. "He's not even _trying_ to kill me." Barricade growled loudly.

Jazz grinned over at Optimus. "It _is_ impressive," he conceded. As of that moment, Jazz was my favorite character. Of all time.

"Jazz, please," Optimus said, sounding strained. He turned to the ex-Decepticon in front of us, severe again. "Barricade. I would like to believe that you have turned over a new leaf, but you must understand that this situation is very serious. Even if I felt comfortable letting you live amongst the humans, no matter what form, the United States government also has a say in this."

Bristling, Barricade clenched his fists, the harsh metal sound making my ears hurt. "What do you want? Vows? Pledges?" he spat, aggression rising. _Uh, oh._ "I will not live my life in chains for your _comfort_ , Prime."

There was a strange look that crossed Optimus' faceplate; I was more surprised I could even tell his expressions apart. "No one is asking you to do that," he said quietly.

"Then what's your solution?" Barricade snapped. I was keeping a wary eye on how angry the mech was getting; somehow I doubted I'd do much good stopping a fistfight, but maybe I could distract the guy. ( _Why, oh, why, hadn't Emily insisted he go to anger management classes like we had talked about? !)_

"I don't have one. Not yet," Optimus replied, inclining his head. "We need to discuss this further with the proper authorities. This crosses further than just between our two factions, Barricade. The humans are going to have to get involved one way or the other."

"Alright," Lennox said, glancing at Barricade with as much politeness as he would give an actual terrorist. He spoke quickly and sharply. "We're going to have to get Keller on call for this. We'll get the feed up on the monitors in the tech center, so if you could just go inside with—"

And then the world exploded.

Particularly, the piece of world we were all standing on exploded. I didn't even have time to scream or curse or react in any manner at all. I saw a huge flash of white and yellow—and then the sound of two F-22 Raptors' missiles colliding with several pieces of construction machinery no less than twenty yards away slammed us. I'm sure the metal structures were turned into projectiles, but thankfully, Barricade had immediately dove over me, shielding me. I'd have to thank him later, after you know, we hopefully survived.

Even with Barricade as an impromptu shield, I could see our attackers shoot by overhead as the bombing stopped. Two jets, clearly not Air Force. I trembled, remembering the last time I had met a talking jet face to face. _Starscream? Here? How—?_

"GET THE CIVILIANS INSIDE!" Lennox shouted over the noise. The Autobots charged and the humans went for their weapons, ironically enough leaving Barricade and I standing there in shock.

A thought struck me in the middle of all of this and I spun around, enraged, facing Barricade.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU _DID_ BRING STARSCREAM!" I screamed, lashing out with my foot. I didn't really care about the fact I was kicking an unsupervised evil alien who could have easily squashed me.

Barricade, however, looked just as shocked I did over Starscream's presence. "NO, I DIDN'T!" He yelled back, over the klaxon horns that began to blare all over the base. "I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S HERE!"

I didn't believe him for a second. "YOU LYING COCKBITE, I HATE YOU!" I howled, feeling betrayed and terrified all at once. "I'M TELLING EMILY EVERYTHING!"

An explosion momentarily deafened me. Without warning, Barricade dove towards me, grabbing me up. Sound returned abruptly. "—GET OUT OF THE WAY! MOVE!" he snarled. He dodged past what I presumed in my haze of fear was a missile exploding where we had just been standing. Crouching behind the wall of the base, he dropped me to the ground, fixing me with a terrible glare. "HIDE!"

And then he turned around, rushing forward, back toward the fighting… leaving me standing there in hollow shock.

What… what was I supposed to do? What could I do? …What could _anyone_ do?

Turning, I saw soldiers running. I saw Optimus leading the Autobots into battle, duking it out with fighter jets. Barricade was probably trying to communicate with the Decepticons to get them to stop. There were explosions and people screaming and probably dying.

And I just stood there.

Somewhere, there was a faint voice in the back of my head telling me to move, to just get out of the way.

But in a louder whisper, I remembered something else. Something different about all this. I was just a civilian, just a—just a kid.

But I also was a fucking Oracle. And for once, I was going to use that fact to my advantage, Mary-Sue or no.

My legs moving before I even thought to head out into the fray, I set my sights on finding Lennox. Approaching Optimus would be insane; no, I could handle a human. I saw Epps duck behind a fallen piece of a concrete wall. That was a start. My mind was on fire as I looked up at the sky. There were two jets, one the familiar silver tone (Starscream) and another blue. If my G1 knowledge wasn't rusty, I think I knew who the blue one was.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU _DOING_? ! GO BACK INSIDE!" Epps yelled when he saw me, trying to reload his weapon as quickly as possible. Suddenly, I couldn't laugh about how silly it was for the off-duty soldiers to have weapons with them. For Earthlings, _everywhere_ was a battleground for us.

I had two gifts, and I was going to use them. The first was knowing more about our enemies than our allies did. The second was having an obnoxiously loud voice.

"THAT'S THUNDERCRACKER! STARSCREAM BROUGHT HIS TRINE WITH HIM!" I shouted over the noise. I winced as more gunfire and return fire streamed overhead.

Epps stopped just long enough to give me a wildly confused look. "HIS WHAT?" he demanded. Behind him, soldiers were trying to give the Autobots cover as they tried to fish the jets out of the sky. What worried me most was that there were only two jets visible.

We _didn't have_ _ **time**_. "YOU—SKYWARP CAN _TELEPORT_!" I screamed as the roaring got louder and louder. "HE CAN _TELEPORT_ , SO WATCH—!"

The air shifted; I don't know how to describe it any other way. I felt all the hairs on my body stand up on edge as the air was suddenly charged electrically. There wasn't a gust of wind as much as a sudden tug on the very gravity around us—

And then a giant purple and black jet was standing overhead, cannons firing.

Well, I _tried_. You have to give me that.

Regardless of my failed intervention, the stone barricade somehow saved us from getting shot to pieces, though I couldn't see anything past the dust and debris (or breathe properly for that matter). Epps grabbed me by the arm and I stumbled after him as we tried to avoid getting smashed to pieces as Skywarp (come on, who else could it have been?) stomped forward, attacking anything in his sights. Jazz and Ratchet flew to the rescue, distracting the Seeker as us humans made a beeline for the doors to the still-standing part of the base.

"GET INSIDE!" Epps ordered, throwing me toward the door. I almost fell, but rebounded as my sneakers slid over the dust-covered concrete of the ruined hall.

I couldn't run away, not now. My eyes sought out Barricade in the chaos. I couldn't find him, not with all the explosions and mechs running around. The humans were trying to organize, but the attack had come so suddenly, no one had been expecting it. Epps had rejoined his group, shouting orders like the seasoned soldier he was. He wasn't an actor. None of them were. This was really happening.

Swallowing past my fear, I set me eyes on one of the few remaining sections of the front walls of the base. I had to get close to Optimus, then. He would listen. Or I would die a horrible death. Either or.

Optimus was, of course, at the very frontlines of the fight, taking potshots at the Seekers overhead. Skywarp had transformed again and was joining Thundercracker in bombing the shit out of the end part of the base. I sincerely hoped Sam and Mikaela were already gone, otherwise I'm pretty sure Earth just lost one of its main heroes. The loss of life in general right now was probably astronomical to a civilian like me, but _fuck it_ , I had a job to do.

Running on wobbly legs, I ignored the soldiers (who all ignored me in the heat of battle thankfully) and went for the robots. Ironhide was out beyond the cover, most likely to draw off fire from the humans, and Optimus, Ratchet and Jazz were only a few hundred yards to his right. Bumblebee was out of sight, but I assumed he was on the other side of the base, handling other concerns.

There weren't a lot of options for what any of us were going to do next. I tried to get as close to Optimus as possible, but Thundercracker and Skywarp were proving to be quite the annoyances (perhaps that was the point?) overhead. I couldn't just run out into the open; even then I wasn't suicidal. I tried to keep an eye out for Barricade, but I was distracted when I saw an opening.

Just past Ironhide, I could see that the jets were circling around from a violent streak of bombings. Ironhide was readying himself to attack Skywarp on the rebound, but almost directly past him I could see Optimus, facing the other way. I could make that distance if I ran as fast as I could. Then, I could let him know every fucking thing I knew about all three jets. Whether or not that information was good or applicable to this universe, we'd all find out.

It was a solid plan, until I tried to execute it. In my defense, I wasn't a strategist. I would soon learn that barreling ahead into an active war zone was never a good idea. I had gotten almost a hundred yards to Ironhide when I looked up.

I gasped when I saw Starscream reappear in the air just beyond Ironhide. I knew what was coming and I didn't have to be psychic to figure it out. Ironhide turned around just too late to see the Aerial Commander transform mid air and leap downwards at him.

Metal screeching as the two giants clashed, Ironhide went down when Starscream's bulk and speed gave him the upper hand. All I saw was the Topkick hit the ground and Starscream looming over head, his claws covered in energon. His arm morphed into a terrible looking cannon, which began to whirl dangerously right at Ironhide's unprotected face.

The Autobots were too far away and the Air Force wasn't there yet. I gaped at the one-sided fight and before I even had time to think about the consequences, I ran. I ran far past the army and right at the two Transformers.

" _STARSCREAM_!" I screamed, throwing everything I had into my voice. I prayed it would be enough.

For just a second in time, Starscream hesitated. Maybe he was just surprised to hear his name. Maybe he actually recognized my voice and was surprised I was there. Or maybe it was just coincidental he paused right there in his assault on the prone mech. Because as he lifted his head toward the sound of my voice, Optimus appeared _out of fucking no where_ and body-chucked the jet off of Ironhide.

Most likely, I probably should have been smashed into pieces that day as Optimus rolled with Starscream clear across the makeshift airstrip. However, fate had other things in store for me, as I unfortunately found out. Starscream managed to rip away from Optimus' grasp, losing part of his plating as he kicked Optimus in the face and took to the air. I fell over as the hot air from his turbines slammed onto the ground, creating a wave of air. I barely had enough time to look up and see the jet, still not in real jet form, screech out commands.

"DECEPTCIONS! RETREAT!" he screamed. _How typically G1 cliché_ , I thought absently as my lungs attempted to restart, as well as my heart. Being that close to the fighting was probably not the easiest way to avoid having a heart attack before I turned twenty.

Optimus was almost on his feet by that point, but so many things were happening, I couldn't focus on it all. Starscream was up and almost out of sight, Thundercracker and Skywarp were zooming up, having finished blowing up half the other side of the base—and then I saw Barricade. He was running, dodging, past Ratchet and Jazz, apparently headed my way.

I tried to stand just as he reached me. " _Barric_ —!" I started to say, but he grabbed me roughly around the chest, knocking the wind out of me. Struggling to breathe, I almost didn't see the purple jet appear behind him, transforming into a head and two sets of arms and legs. I did notice said-jet when it slammed feet first onto the pavement right behind us, jarring both Barricade and I.

There was a horrible, gut-wrenching sensation of being pulled forward. I had never felt anything so disorientating, or just—just _wrong_. I felt like someone had taken the Earth right out from below my feet and let me drift at hundreds of miles an hours through space.

And then, all I saw was red and purple and bright white lights, almost as long someone had punched me straight between the eyes. It didn't hurt like that, however, but my internal organs felt as long someone was picking upwards as we fell/tumbled/were pushed in every direction, despite the fact that I was pretty sure none of us moved an inch.

As abruptly as the chaos started, it ended. The colors vanished, leaving my eyes searing and my chest heaving as the world suddenly reappeared. Barricade touched down hard, wherever we were, but managed to stay upright, stumbling. Wherever we were, it was dark. My eyes strained to focus.

_Oh, God no—_

And then—all I saw was a jet looming over me, red optics blaring against a dark background, the fighting gone, cannons whirling—

"Well, then, _minions_ ," Starscream snarled, "I'm sure you have _quite_ the story to tell me."

And I realized that I had just doomed the both of us.

 

* * *

**End _Chapter Four_.**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- "Mary-Sue" - A literary term used to describe a character as being implausibly perfect, beautiful or just out of the norm for the story setting. A common ailment of fan fictions. (For reference, Becky scored 34 on the Litmus test. LOL. HOLY CRAP. I'd be ashamed haha. There's no avoiding however, ESPECIALLY for the third story. Ohohoho.) The Transformers fandom is sadly not immune to the infection.  
> -"Aurian" - The name, if you don't already know, is a reference to incredibly popular fan fiction, called Science and Fiction by the talented Faecat. It was mentioned in jest, I assure you, as Faecat's story is very prolific. As you probably don't know, this story of mine is a parody of pretty much every story like Science and Fiction. Strangely enough, I began Flipside a year before Science and Fiction was posted. LMAO WHAT. Maybe I am an Oracle. :O  
> \- Search Google Images for "Alpaca Out of Fucking Nowhere," and you will understand the scene where Optimus takes on Starscream with better clarity. Just saying.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

 

* * *

" _Time to_ do _shit, guys! …Boy, I wish I knew what I was doing."_

* * *

 

A year ago, I had expected to die at age eighty-three; the number was oddly specific, but that was just my imagination speaking. I pictured myself an old lady, hopefully dying in a peaceful way, like in my sleep. Nothing spectacular was needed.

Six months ago, I had expected to die around age twenty-five from heart failure or from sheer stress causing my poor body to just give into the inevitable. I would blame Barricade and my job as his human tutor as the cause of death.

As of thirty seconds prior to the moment I found myself in at the present time, I was one hundred and ten percent certain I was about to die at the ripe again of seventeen years, seven months, and twelve days. And it was still Barricade's fault.

There is nothing on Earth, or anywhere else, that will prepare you for the moment you run face to face with your death, especially when said-death would come at the hands of a three-story tall robot with red eyes and weapons transforming out of every orifice except his ass. And I don't even think they _have_ asses.

Regardless, I was very much unprepared myself when I found both Barricade and myself staring up into Starscream's face, in some creepy abandoned factory in the middle of whoknewwhere, and contemplating the realization I was about to die eight years earlier than I had expected a week ago and sixty-six years earlier than I had thought a year ago.

 _Well, fuck_ , I thought eloquently as Barricade literally started to shake, the tremors jostling me in his hand. I wanted to protest when he bent down to drop me on my unsteady feet, but in a short moment, I realized why he did that.

The two Seekers, including Skywarp who had grabbed Barricade and I, stood back obediently as Starscream took the floor. I hurt my neck craning it up to look at him. All I saw were beady red optics and a fearsome set of metal teeth gnashing in untold agitation and a desire for vengeance.

Vaguely, I realized that at that moment, I was look at my executioner.

Fun times, man.

"You didn't answer your comm.. link, Barricade," Starscream began, hissing and sweet all at once, body swerving almost birdlike. He sounded just as terrifying as I remembered it to be. "You had us all worried."

Barricade stepped back discreetly, pushing me to the side with the motion. I stumbled away obediently, my eyes going from Barricade's side to Starscream's looming face to the two other Seekers lurking beyond him. I couldn't breathe.

"I…" Barricade started, audibly forcing himself to sound braver than he was. He did a better job than I would have. "I did not think to keep the line open. Apologies, Lord Starscream."

Starscream stomped closer and I whimpered as he literally towered over Barricade with less than a few yards to spare between our two sides. "And then—and then what do I find?" Starscream continued, voice rising from that fake-sweet voice. "You and that organic talking with Prime— _PRIME_!" All at once Starscream started to yell. He rounded closer than ever, red optics burning like fire. "Pray tell, Barricade—just _why_ were you talking with Prime?"

"We—," Barricade began, in vain.

I screamed when the jet surged forward and grabbed Barricade by the neck. All of those tubes and wires crunched together under Starscream's claws. The smaller mech didn't stand a chance against the Seeker.

"ANSWER ME!" Starscream screeched, hauling Barricade high into the air. He slammed the Interceptor into a concrete pillar, and with every hit, shouted, "Traitorous—ungrateful—waste—of— _space_!"

Starscream grabbed Barricade with two hands and hurled him downward so fast, I couldn't follow the motion. The sound I did hear; the sound of metal bending and snapping, glass shattering and an inhuman cry of pain as Starscream all but ripped the Barricade's front armor off. I ducked as pieces of stray metal flew my way, rolling across the cement. Skywarp made a harsh sound like laughter and Starscream screeched something in Cybertronian as he slammed his clawed hands straight into Barricade's unguarded shoulder.

Fallen over by a stack of wooden crates, I stared on in horror at the display of violence and reveled in my own helplessness.

Oh, God. He was going to kill him.

Starscream just kept slamming Barricade into the ground, screaming over and over in a mix of rage-filled Cybertronian and English curses and accusations of betrayal. I stumbled to my feet as the slamming continued, rattling the ground and through my bones.

I had nothing I could do. I had nothing at my disposal that could have possibly made a difference there.

"WAIT!" I screamed. I tried to get closer, but a flying piece of— _oh, God, that was Barricade's windshield_ —slammed into the ground in front of me. I waved my arms, panicking. "WAIT! I—!"

Starscream, of course, didn't give one shit about me and was too busy ripping Barricade's _fucking chestplates_ off to care that I was screaming at him. I didn't care about the other two Seekers in the room, because I realized at that moment a very solid and undeniable fact:

No one gave a shit about me, because I didn't _matter_.

Normally, this would be a good thing. Hell, I could have run right out of that warehouse and none of them would have stopped me. Compared to the war, the Decepticons and all of the Transformers' plans, I was insignificant. Worthless. Human.

But Barricade was about to die, and if I wasn't important, he was going to be killed right there on the ground, whether I ran or stood by watching.

So… I had to be worth giving a shit over. That was not an easy requirement to fill in a matter of twenty-seconds, but I did my best. I had to, because Barricade was going to die and _I could not let that happen_.

Flying to the top of a crate on pure adrenaline, I stood parallel to the one-sided massacre and braced my throbbing, terrorized heart.

And then, shouting at the top of my lungs, I said something I would soon regret:

" _I know where they're going!_ "

My voice was already torn raw from earlier screaming, but something gave me strength to scream loud enough to be heard. Maybe it was because Starscream had brought his hand back again and the sound of metal tearing was momentarily stopped. I could hear my breath for the first time and I sounded like I had run miles and miles. My cry had done its job. All too well.

Slowly removing himself from Barricade's shuddering body, Starscream turned his massive head and faced me. His piercing optics ripped through me and threatened to steal my voice.

But somehow, I had just enough courage left to see this though. Before he could start attacking me or go back to ignoring me, I gave him reason to keep his optics on me now. Me, the tiny human.

"The Autobots," I gasped, well aware I was crying. "I—I know where they're using for a base, a real one."

Staring such an alien in the face… was breathtaking. I had rarely seen Barricade in his real form. Their faces were similar to ours based on their transformation needs, but everything smaller on it wasn't human. There were moving parts that chittered quietly as they folded back when he sneered. His optics swirled as he focused on me for the first time since Barricade's wedding.

"… _Do_ you now?" Starscream began, leaning forward toward me. I struggled to breathe again; the tears had to stop and they did.

Words came fast and I barely had time to coherently organize them into actual lies. We were going to die unless I got it right. I had no idea what "right" was, but I had to try.

"B-Barricade and I were spying," I said, standing my ground as Starscream stood up and I was suddenly facing him, utterly alone. "Th-they found us in—in our cover, with the humans." My brain seared hot as I struggled to grab hold of something, anything, to tell him, "We stole their intel. Well, as much as we could since y-you showed up pretty quick."

Starscream was either genuinely fucking around with us, or he was actually more patient than his biography had me believe. "What did you discover?" he demanded, stepping ever closer.

"I—," I began, stumbling and failing. Starscream hissed.

_Think. THINK. For the love of God, think—!_

"More Autobots are coming," I said, my mind on fire, even though my body felt like it had been encased in ice. Blatant lies would have to work. "Wheeljack. The twins. H-Hound." Whether or not they were actually coming paled in comparison to the more pressing concern that they might not even _exist_ in this world.

Starscream snarled. "I don't know those names!" he replied harshly, not helping my fears.

"Wheeljack's a scientist. The twins are frontliners. Real tough," I stammered, trying to keep looking at his optics. I wanted to look away; I was too afraid to keep this up for long. "Y-you'll need more fighters for them. Th-they can take down jets."

One of the Seekers by the wall scoffed loudly. "Ha!" he barked; judging by the blue, he had to Thundercracker.

"H-Hound… he's a tracker," I explained. I wondered if that would work for an explanation. "Not much of a fighter, but still."

Starscream was literally ten feet in front of me at that point. "Go on," he ordered coldly, leaning over with one clawed hand latching around a support beam next to us. His shadow dropped over me and I shuddered from the chill.

 _OhGodsaveme_. "Th-the human team is called NEST. They're helping the Autobots, all over the world," I rattled off, fishing for anything and everything that I knew. _Anything_ at all would help if I sold it right. "You're going to be fighting the United States military and their allies soon."

"I am not afraid of your species' pathetic military!" Starscream shrieked, the expulsion of air from that gesture nearly blowing me backwards.

_Don't piss him off, don't piss him off—_

"I-I'm just thinking in terms of quantity. Y-you only have three here, sir, b-beside Barricade and I," I stammered. "There… there'll be a clear disadvantage coming up for your—our—army."

Starscream gnashed his teeth, but surprisingly didn't say anything else about that. He looked at his trinemates and then glared down at me. "Anything else, human?" he demanded in a snarl.

"I…" I trembled and almost started to cry when Starscream smashed his fist into a container unit to make me speak. Words flew straight from my mind to my tongue without censorship. "They're trying to bring down their own ship! The _Ark_!" I screamed, wincing backwards.

Thankfully, that gave him something else to freak out about that wasn't our fault. "Slag, I knew it!" he screeched. He turned and made a fist in anger. "Prime is quick to act." The blue Seeker, Thundercracker, rumbled darkly.

Shivering, I nodded and practically bowed, something I had never thought I'd do for _anyone_. It made me sick. "They're bringing it to that base we were at. I don't know if they'll move it now, now that it's been sighted, but that was what we discovered earlier," I said, voice losing strength. I nodded again, even as he ignored me. "My Lord."

My last minute groveling fell on deaf audio receptors. Starscream had stalked to the other side of the room and was snarling ugly strings of Cybertronian. Neither of his friends by the wall spoke in reply, so he was probably just ranting. My eyes fell downward and I saw Barricade had rolled onto his side and curled up. His optics were already on me and I saw how his hands had clawed deep into the cement floor.

He probably had stopped himself from lunging at Starscream that whole time. I stumbled off of the crate, looking wildly over at Starscream as I went. Skywarp watched me, but I didn't care about him. All I wanted was to leave, but not without Barricade.

My legs were practically jelly at that point, but I did make it to Barricade's side. I knelt—fell to my knees, really—by his face. His bright red optics were dimmer than Starscream's, even up that close. He was so big compared to me, but I knew we were both so very tiny at that moment.

I was never more scared in my life.

"Are you okay?" I asked, whispering. My eyes were watering, but I did my best to keep a straight face.

Barricade said nothing as he peered back at me, still shaking from pain. His optics roved upwards as I heard heavy footsteps marching closer again. I hunched my shoulders, as if that would protect me.

Turning my head, I saw Starscream looming over us both. He didn't look friendly, but the fact he wasn't actively trying to step on us anymore was a huge help.

"You act on your own orders one more time, Barricade, and I will kill you," Starscream began. I fully believed he would carry out that threat. "You and your pet might prove useful, but do not think you are irreplaceable."

Clearly, Starscream had more important concerns now than us two. That was the only reason we got out of there alive, I realized in hindsight.

Barricade slowly rose to four limbs, optics pinned to Starscream's. "Y-yes, my lord," he bit out. His throat was all torn up, though I didn't think their vocal systems had the same organs as we did. I didn't really care at that point, either way.

Starscream sneered at his victim. "Get out of my sight," he demanded.

Thankfully, Barricade had the power to transform and obey that command. I fell into the front seat, my heart racing anew. We were leaving, we were leaving, we were leaving—

As Barricade drove in silence out of the hanger bay door on the left hand of the building and I saw sunlight streaming through the shattered windows, everything sort of stopped. Barricade said nothing until he was out of earshot of the other mechs.

"…Thanks," he said, voice garbled through the radio.

I swallowed hard and nodded. "Don't mention it," I said, voice just as weak.

He pulled out of the driveway at a sedate pace, probably because fleeing too fast would be suspicious. We got to the high way when I finally caved and burst into tears. Barricade, for his part, said nothing demeaning.

Impossibly, we had lived to see another day. How much longer than a day was still very much unclear.

**0000**

We were in Texas, we learned in hindsight, so we had a long drive back to both NEST and Idaho. I had given up all hope of lying to my mother and fully anticipated being crucified upon sight when I got home. … _If_ I got home. Same went with Barricade with Emily, even though he didn't mention it. He didn't really have to. The dark shadow Starscream had dropped over us was quickly replaced the by shadow of our loved ones who were waiting to murder us both back home.

But justified murder would have to wait.

Almost twelve hours after our unwanted departure from the NEST compound, we had some serious thinking and debating to do. Barricade pulled off of the interstate, though it was too early for a dinner stop. We hadn't talked much in the car, which was great, because if we had talked too soon, I wouldn't have been too coherent to add my two cents. Barricade obviously had to calm down too and when I saw him making the turn into another empty lot under an overpass with lots of cover all around, I knew he wanted to do it on his own two feet.

I wordlessly got out of the car and backed up to let him transform. He had healed a little bit from the damages sustained earlier in the day, but he still looked awful. He didn't make any sounds of pain, though and seemed focused and calm now. That was good. I felt way better myself, though the question of _"Why do we do now?"_ kept grabbing at my heart and choking my breath away.

"We have to think of a way to get out of this alive," Barricade announced. He started to pace immediately and I stood back to watch him create a large dent in the sandy gravel as he did so. "Starscream thinks we're working for Prime and those Autobots must think we're working for Starscream."

"But Starscream thinks we're spies," I protested, biting my lip.

Barricade waved a hand at me. To my surprise, he didn't seem to be dismissing me, just what I had said. He was being remarkably civil, actually. "For all we know, he's just biding his time to prove we're betraying him and he'll strike then," he growled. He looked at me quickly. "Though good work with what you did."

I blinked. "Really?" Praise didn't suit him.

"Of course now you've cemented your presence in all of this and Starscream will be expecting further espionage activities from both of us, so you've also complicated the matters even more," he added, just a little bitter.

Oh, goody, and here I thought he had been so damaged by Starscream that he was a nice person now. I scowled and crossed my arms against my chest. "Well, we're alive now," I pointed out.

"True." Barricade slapped a hand to his face, the gesture odd for his metal form now. He had spent so much time as a human now, though, that the habits were difficult to get over. "Primus, we are so fucked."

"We can't just roll over and die though!" I exclaimed. He glared at me, but I trudged closer, my heart set on figuring out how to escape this alive. "Let's brainstorm. There has to be a way to fix this."

"Like what?" Barricade shot back, exasperated. Well, if he was going to be a Negative Nancy about this, I had to be optimistic. Or else, I'm pretty sure our next option would be to commit suicide.

"Why not just tell Prime and the Autobots the truth?" I demanded, pointing out the obvious choice. You know, the sane one where we'd have the Autobots watching our asses.

Apparently, Barricade didn't like that option either. "They won't believe us!" he hissed. Belatedly, I realized that his two-story tall form wasn't intimidating to me, well, not as much as it would be if it were another mech. Interesting. "They saw Starscream attack them and then grab us!"

"Then let Ratchet scan you or something," I said, getting impatient. It wasn't rocket science. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't going for this plan.

Barricade recoiled. "Frag no!"

Instantly, I got pissed. "Are you fucking _kidding_ me?" I seethed, stepping closer, as if I in anyway could tower over the alien. "Don't be a little bitch when our lives are at stake!"

As far as I was concerned, if I could stand up to fucking _STARSCREAM_ , Barricade could handle a little submissiveness and let Ratchet peek at his brain. Once they saw we were telling the truth—about everything—they'd help us. They'd know then, for sure, that we weren't the bad guys. It was our only option!

"You have _no_ idea the amount of trust it takes to let a medic do that. No fragging way, brat," Barricade snarled. He moved backwards and started to pace again, agitated. "We just have to work with their distrust. A scan would be pointless after that."

I clenched both fists in barely constrained anger. "Oh?" I prompted. This would be good.

Barricade glanced at me, optics narrowed dangerously. When he spoke, however, he was clearly trying to be patient with me. "Listen. I don't expect you to understand yet, but the Autobots aren't the goody-two-shoe players you seem to think they are."

"I know. Well, I know now," I said, pushing aside the immediate desire to stand up for Optimus Prime. He was still the hero, but I wasn't going to deny the fact that the Autobots weren't our best friends. What a horrible life for a fan girl like me. "It's a war, Barricade. Th-they have to cover their asses, too."

It wasn't fair, for either of us, but surely Barricade could understand that we couldn't disregard the Autobots as a source of help. He was smarter than that.

Barricade hissed again. "Exactly. Even if we tell them the truth and I opened my mind to the medic, what do you think they would do?" he asked. He didn't bother to wait for an answer. "It won't matter if they trust me or not at that point. They won't let me leave the base." He looked at me with an oddly upset look. "Primus, we'd be lucky if they let _YOU_ go at that point."

I shivered. "Wh-why wouldn't they?" I asked, fearful. I was even more innocent than Barricade was, as selfish as that thought was. I wouldn't leave him on his own for sure, but to think NEST would imprison me too, as a human and an American citizen…

"It's a _war_ , as you said," Barricade replied harshly. He clenched his fist and seemed to look out at the air as if it would give us some kind of answer we needed. "We need to think of an excuse that would let us leave the base frequently and go back to Idaho."

That was an impossible goal, or at least, that's what it seemed like. "…Like what?" I asked, miserable.

Barricade turned and looked down at me, his red optics meeting my eyes fiercely. "Exactly what you told Starscream," he said shortly.

There was a distinct pause as I tried to let my brain catch up to that declaration. "…Come again?" I asked, dreading an answer.

Somehow… some way… Barricade explained it all. It was quite simple. Suicidal and obviously risky, our plan resulted in one basic fact:

We were going to troll the fuck out of everyone.

And by troll, I mean, bullshit like _never before_.

Barricade and I were Neutrals by default: we wanted nothing to do with the war. Starscream expected us to be Decepticons. The Autobots expected us to be Neutrals (or better). However, in light of the fact that in order to be Decepticons, we'd have to betray the Autobots, it would be safer to assume we were on the Autobot's side when we were forced to be spies in their midst. That way, they'd let us in the door.

At that same time, the Autobots expected us to be on their team. In order to leave their team without someone watching our every move, we'd have to make them need us to go alone. We'd be double agents by spying on Starscream at the same time as we pretended to be spying on the Autobots.

While all of this is going on, we'd actually be Neutrals, but no one could know that.

Where that left Barricade and I in the long run, I hoped we could just say "alive" and leave it at that. That was a nice goal to set, in my mind.

It wasn't easy to nail it all down, however. Tricking both sides would have to be a long process, to get them to trust us. What I was more concerned with in the present moment was _where the fuck was I_.

"Okay, so you're going to pretend to be a Deception spy while being Neutral, but at the same time, you're going to be pretend to be an Autobot informant when the Autobots ask if you're a Decepticon," I stated.

"Right," the Interceptor said, nodding.

"And I'm going to be a Decepticon only when Starscream calls on me and I'll be an Autobot when I get called on by the Autobots," I continued. I hesitated, furrowing my brow. "So that would actually make me Neutral when I'm not called on by either."

Barricade hesitated, thinking over what I said. "Correct," he affirmed.

"But what if they both call us at the same time?" I asked, concerned.

"Who?"

"Both Autobots and Decepticons!" I said, now becoming very confused and flustered. "What should we do during a battle?"

"We will avoid them when possible," said Barricade grimly. "We're only going to be spies. We'll be allowed to move freely and most likely not be around during battles."

"But what if we can't?" I asked.

Both of us stopped and stared at each other. "We will just have to pretend we are on both sides," he finally said, reluctant.

"So we have to be on both teams at the same time?" I asked, scratching my head wearily.

He hesitated again. "Yes."

"But how is that supposed to work?" I asked, utterly confused. That sounded complicated and dangerous.

"If Starscream gives you an order, follow it, and if Prime gives you an order, you follow it," replied Barricade curtly. "Just bullshit your way through the situation."

"On a battlefield?" I exclaimed. "Won't someone notice? !"

"You won't be in battles, idiot," he snapped irritably. He motioned with his hand. "Are we through?"

I almost said _yes_ , but I still was having trouble. "So, if tomorrow I get called by Optimus, I'm an Autobot. When we were with Starscream earlier, I was a Decepticon. Right?"

Barricade made a hissing sound. "Yes! We just went through this!" he complained. "You're no longer either right this instance."

"Who's team am I on then? !" I cried, bewildered. I thought I was always on a team!

"Nobody's!" Barricade shot back, irritated.

"I thought I was Neutral!"

"You are!"

"But that's still a team!"

Barricade growled loudly in frustration. "You are the team that you are currently obeying," he nearly shouted. "You're an Autobot if Prime calls on you, you're a Decepticon if Starscream orders you around and you're Neutral if no one is contacting you!"

I stared at him, trying my best to follow it all. It had been simple before we tried to think about it. My headache was growing exponentially.

"So…" I began, looking confused again, "what do I do if the government calls on me?"

By the time we left the underpass lot, there were two different cement support beams with Barricade head impressions embedded in their sides. I swallowed nearly half a bottle of aspirin myself when I got home. But at least we got the schedules straight.

If we were lucky, the plan would work and we could leave NEST as Autobot spies, though in reality, we'd be Neutrals (I still wasn't sure if I counted in that, but I digress). When Starscream came calling, we'd tip him real info the Autobots gave us or that we just snuck ourselves, but also grab some Decepticon secrets to ship back to the Autobots when NEST came knocking on our doors. Equal trading for equal protection—and the best part was that we were allowed to leave both headquarters freely.

…I swear, it sounded saner in the underpass, but then again, since when do plans ever really go according to how they're supposed to go?

It was a long drive back home. First stop: Nevada.

**0000**

Barricade still knew how to get to the NEST base from earlier. It took us nearly two days to drive back, though we didn't stop for anything. I had to stop at a Wal-Mart along the way to grab some clean clothes, but my hair was a mess. Not that it mattered, of course. It wasn't like we were going to get a hug and kiss as a welcome when we showed up.

Maybe they were expecting us, or saw Barricade on radar. All I know is that when Barricade turned in on the dirt road leading back to the base, two helicopters showed up out of no where to guide us in, probably with guns trained on us the whole time. Lovely. It was pitch black out, too.

Inwardly, I braced myself. We had gone over the dialogue and potential slip ups non-stop that whole car ride back. I knew what to say. I was even feeling confident. What I wasn't sure of was if Prime or NEST would believe our story. The worst fear I had was that they believed us, but didn't take the offer.

I wasn't going to die and I wasn't going to jail. I didn't care what I had to do in order to achieve those goals, but we were both going to be okay. My heart pounded like a war drum and my pulse must have been through the roof—but _we were going to be okay_. We had to be.

Barricade didn't say anything as he rode up to the gate. I could see the Autobots, all ready with weapons. I closed my hands over the leather seats and fought the urge to throw up. Barricade didn't have to say anything to show he understood. He was scared, too. There was no way he couldn't be.

Spotlights everywhere, men shooting commands back and forth in hushed voices as we slowed to a stop and let them circle us—and Prime, looking down at us from behind a battle mask. He had a gun pointed at us. At _me_.

To think, I had once prayed to be one of those people holding weapons back at evil Decepticons. I had wanted to be an Autobot, an ally, a hero. Now, I was one of those evil Decepticons. I was the bad guy. I hated it—but we were going to fix it.

Gently, I opened the side door and stepped out. I was hyper-aware of all the lethal weapons pointed my way, not just at Barricade anymore. I kept my hands high above me and started to pray.

_Here goes nothing._

"Whoa, easy," I shouted, forcing myself to grin. The helicopters whirling in the background made it hard to hear myself. I peered out past the blinding spotlights and sought out Prime. He was easier to spot in the dark parts of the circle than Lennox would be. "We just got out of one situation with guns being pointed at us."

"Move and we'll shoot," Lennox shouted from somewhere. I tried to find him in the ground and I thought I found him to my left. "You were working with Starscream!"

Behind me, Barricade transformed, mimicking my surrender pose. "No, we weren't," he said loudly, facing Optimus directly. He spoke bluntly, without anger. Good boy.

"Then what the hell was that? !" Lennox shouted, angry, frustrated. He probably had lost a lot of good men yesterday. I felt awful.

Outwardly, though, I grinned even more. "Starscream _thinks_ we're working with him," I shouted back, correcting him. I looked back at Optimus. "He wasn't supposed to be there when he was, but believe us, we're doing the exact opposite of working _for_ him."

That caught the Autobot leader's attention. "What?" he asked, stepping closer so I had to lift my chin high to meet his optics. I did so without showing how scared I actually was.

Behind me, Barricade rumbled. It was time to play our cards.

"Are you guys hiring?" I asked in the same loud voice, grinning madly as I blew a strand of dirty hair from my face. Their lack of response begged me to continue with, "Because if you are, you're not going to want to miss this opportunity."

_Time to bullshit like I've never bullshitted before._

And then we told exactly what they wanted to hear.

 

* * *

**End** _**Chapter Five** _ **.**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -In case you're really confused by their plans, they're technically double agents for both sides. They're giving Autobots info on the Decepticons and they're giving the Decepticons info on the Autobots. They did this because if they just declared open neutrality, they'd still be under arrest by the Autobots; now they just have to wear an arrest collar when out of doors, because obviously, spies can't be in jail or followed to do their jobs. ;) Whether this will work in the long run, we'll have to see~


End file.
